Depressed

Maria is in the hospital and has been since Thursday (Feb 21). She had a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) reaction. She's been in before with this type of thing, but not for many years. Before she would get very depressed and feel like killing herself. This time she didn't get depressed -- she got angry and wanted to hurt someone. Rather than act on the feeling, which scared her, she went to the doctor and was admitted to the hospital mental facility.

Maria suffers from PTSD because of bad stuff that happened to her as a child, most awful being her dad sexually abusing her. For years she repressed it. It's been coming out, and she's had some reactions, but none this bad for many years (thus no hospital for many years).

So, actually, she's not depressed, I am. When she has these reactions she confuses me with her father and starts yelling at me and thinking I'm going to hurt her. There is small bit of reality in this. She caught me looking at internet porn many years ago which hurt her deeply. I have yelled at her and been angry with her. I still get upset with her sometimes. However, I've never physically hurt her (other than accidentally, like stepping on her toe in the dark).

In this case she started yelling at me Wednesday night without warning. Often when this happens I've said something mean or sarcastic or had a bad attitude that she picked up on. This time I don't even know what I did, but she thought I did something. She didn't want to be around me so I went out for dinner and a movie and then slept on the couch when I got home. While I was at work Thursday she went into the hospital. She didn't want me to visit, but I expected that since I'm a trigger for these reactions.

Friday she actually called me from the hospital and was feeling much better. We had good visits Saturday and last night and all seemed good. The doctor adjusted her meds and she's in until they get it right.

She called me today. She's still OK, but talked about how when she thinks of going home she starts to feel weird again at the thought of being around me. She knows what's going on and is apologetic and knows I won't really do anything, but still these fears and emotions get to her.

So I'm depressed. I'm depressed that I'm such a trigger for her, that there's nothing I can do, that she's held onto this for so long, that she feels weird despite the medicine and counseling she's getting. I'm depressed that she yells at me when she gets like this. Her being in the hospital has made me think more about death and my own (and her) mortality. Our friends are getting older and more frail, as are we. It's all not happy stuff.

At least I can live one day at a time, enjoy life and those around me and enjoy God and his blessings.