PG

This is again a tough post for me. It's about a counseling session Maria and I had last week. I don't want to break confidence. I'm not used to sharing this stuff. But the point is to practice getting it out. I like to be honest. However, I am also very reserved about certain aspects of my personal life. I'm trying to change that for the better.

From the last paragraph you may be expecting some intimate sexual details. Sorry, I doubt there will be any. Today you need to get your thrills elsewhere.

I've been in my own little world for the past couple of weeks. I've been working on a website. I'm a computer geek. It's fun. I'm doing something productive and helpful too. I do it to relax instead of just vegging in front of the TV. It is in many ways good. The bad is that I tend to stay up late and avoid interacting with people. Worst of all I tend to shut Maria out of my life.

At our counseling session the counselor asked what I had done lately to build emotional intimacy with Maria. Frankly, not much. However, we do like to watch movies together. So I said I had taken time a couple of days ago to watch a movie with Maria. I had rented the grindhouse movies. We had watched one -- "Death Proof." I wasn't that interested to watch the other on my own and probably would have just skipped it. Instead of just going to the computer one night, I suggested we watch the other -- "Planet Terror."

Our counselor was taken aback at the choice of movies. He didn't think they were healthy for us. Then Maria said she was upset because the movies had so much sexual content. This hurts her because she was sexually abused as a child and I like to look at other women and porn, as I've written before.

I got defensive. Yes, it wasn't a great attempt at intimacy and I had been neglecting emotional intimacy. But it was an honest attempt and an honest answer. I felt jumped on. I do have trouble being emotionally intimate with Maria. One thing that really attracted me to Maria was that I was comfortable around her. We could talk. Now I feel like I walk on egg shells around her. If I say the slightest wrong thing, I get jumped on. When I'm honest I express my sexual struggles and views. I even get angry about stuff. My sexual issues upset Maria (to the point of screaming irrational anger). My anger scares her. It seems like what she really wants is a sanitized version of me.

In our session I didn't get outwardly angry, but I was frustrated. As I said, I was defensive. I also shut down some -- just nod my head and agree until the bad time goes away. The upshot was the counselor suggested Maria and I only watch "G" or "PG" movies. Maria chimed in to say that way I could prove to her I was doing better. By avoiding raunchy stuff, I'd show something, not quite sure what.

This seems ridiculous. Yes, I need to be sensitive to her and not cause her stress. We should avoid movies she doesn't like, especially if they trigger her bad stuff. But she has liked this kind of movie before. She's got them herself. (I like that she's into action type movies, not just chick flicks.) She even commented, when the counselor asked her about only watching G and PG that it sounded boring.

The problem is that restricting movie content drastically won't prove anything. For one thing, nothing I do seems good enough to get her over my previous bad. In fact, it's often tough for her to just stick with my bad. She often saddles me with her dad's shit. To her credit she knows she does this and is working to quit it. But it's still hard on me. As I've written before, I've been in counseling, been to groups, even led groups. I've had a time off the internet. I've tried to be honest with her. If all that doesn't mean squat, how is changing our movie habits going to prove anything.

Another problem is I learned long ago I can't live just by following a bunch of rules. They don't really solve anything. That mentality has been the cause of many of my problems. I'm trying to decide what is right and wrong in the sexual area. I obviously need to not offend and hurt Maria. But I also feel like she views any offense against her as an offense against God. Even the slightest sexual misstep on my part hurts her and makes me a vile sinner. I cannot live up to that standard. Making hyper restrictive and arbitrary rules won't help me nor her.

So what have we done since then? We go on a date once a week and our usual date involves a movie. Last week was different, so we avoided the issue. I should bring it up and clear the air. However, I am weak at this. Plus, when I've tried it before, it leads to bad stuff -- Maria screaming or just shutting me out. We'll see how our next date goes. I'm willing to try for her sake, but I don't see it working out. Maybe it's time we did something different than watch movies and TV so much.

Meanwhile now I'm really avoiding TV. This has driven me to my computer even more. Which hasn't helped our intimacy at all.