A Turning Point.

I realize I've left stuff out. I also struggle with what level of detail to include, and what should be private. The more open I am the better this will be. I'll keep going I don't want to get distracted.

Life was tough for me after Maria discovered me looking at internet porn. Maria felt awful. That made my life miserable. She shared with friends. I felt like she was punishing me and turning friends against me. Of course all she was doing was trying to share and get help. I felt like I was going to loose all my friends, especially my female friends.

Despite her hurt and anger, Maria did something very good. She drew boundaries. She somehow managed to not make them sound threatening to me.

1. No more porn in our home.
2. No more internet.
3. I had to get counseling.

I was OK with the first two. Counseling scared me and I didn't think it would help. I didn't like sharing my emotions. Our last counselor had not helped me much. I procrastinated on finding a counselor.

Then a very good thing happened. The wife of a couple we'd known for years talked with me. She told me they still loved me. She gave me the name of a counselor. She hugged me.

I felt immensely better. At least one friend, a woman at that, accepted me while knowing my sins. Not only that, she helped me on my way to counseling.

I met with the counselor and was more nervous than ever. He did two things that immediately helped me. First, he acknowledged how awful some of the things in my past were. Second, he said that my current behavior was linked to stuff in my past.

These may sound simple and common, but they really helped me. I hid the dark side of my past. Not many people ever heard me share. Of those, no one linked it to my current struggles (of course, no one knew the extent of my struggles). I came from a Christian background that looked down on psychology. The Bible had all the answers. Psychology was only a human tool, or worse, a tool of the Devil. People who linked their past to their current behavior were just copping out and blaming others for their own sin.

My counselor didn't do that. He still held me responsible for my actions. It's just that he knew there was a link to my past.

Another thing happened that I didn't realize right away. As a Christian I learned that sin was abhorrent. If I sinned it was because I didn't love God enough, or didn't have enough faith, or was listening to Satan and the World. I needed to pray and read my Bible more. I needed to love God more and try harder. We didn't share our sins because then our fellow Christians would look down on us. It might even show that we were not really Christian.

What happened in my counseling is that sin became something other than a plague to be avoided. It became a problem to be worked on. It didn't just exist or not exist. It was a weakness that could be strengthened. If I can't lift a weight, I don't give up and hide in shame. I keep lifting smaller weights until I get stronger. God isn't scared of my sin or surprised when I fail. He made me and loves me. He wants me to work on stuff and grow.

Another thing happened around that time. I felt better. Why? My darkest secret had been discovered. A weight was off my shoulders. And now I had hope for getting better. I had not actually gotten much better. But I had started the process and their was hope in that.

It was kind of weird. I felt the best I had in quite a while. Maria felt awful, was mad at me and still yelled at me a lot. I felt out of sync with her.

Married Life

A big reason I'm writing these blogs is to help sort things out. My interactions with Eve and her insightful comments have already helped a lot. Thanks Eve. Nevertheless I will press on. I need to finish this.

While Maria and I were dating and engaged, I began going to seminary part time. I felt led by God. I wanted to learn about the Bible and what God had to say. I didn't feel called to be a pastor, which is normally why people go to seminary. I did hope to teach people about the bible. Maria agreed with me on this.

After we were married I went to school full time and worked part time. (I had a very understanding boss because he allowed me to work part time at what would normally be a full-time career job.) In a little over two years I had completed most of school.

During the same time we had two children. We wanted children and God blessed us. We were very busy. Maria attended my classes with me sometimes, but stayed home with the children when they were born.

We didn't talk that much or spend too much time together. Maria's Hispanic culture taught her that men were more important than women. She didn't want to disturb my important studying and working. I grew up in a family that didn't talk much, so I thought it was fine and normal. I was even warned at school to pay attention to my family, especially my wife. There was no point in getting a good biblical education and ignoring the God's desire for us to treat our family well and love those around us. I didn't listen very well.

One day Maria caught me staring at a woman. She was devastated and very upset. We had about a year of very uneasy time together. We either didn't talk, or I got yelled at a lot. I did some yelling too, but mostly tried to avoid the conflict.

We went to a Christian counselor. Most of our sessions focused on fixing my problem with looking at women. I was always very nervous. I didn't like talking about my sins. I didn't like talking about feelings. I also was afraid even more bad stuff would come out. The counselor was a very nice older man with some good advice. However, most of it boiled down to "Read your bible and pray more and try harder." That didn't help me get over liking to look at women. Maria eventually didn't want to go anymore and I stopped going too.

I dropped out of school. I had learned most of what I wanted. We were low on money and I needed to work full time. Plus the incongruity of me going to seminary and having a lust problem were too much for us.

Things between Maria and I finally got a little more normal and we had another child. I did a better job of hiding my desire to look at women.

For a while I traveled a lot on business. I would stay up watching movies in my hotel rooms. The movies often contained sex and nudity. Sometimes I even got X-rated fare. I was always too cheap to pay for any, but sometimes it was free on cable. I had no problem with internet porn because this was before the Internet.

After many years we found out about a missionary organization that translated Bibles and helped people learn to read and write. This interested us and we tried joined them. I quit my job and we went to school. My sexual problems seemed to fade into the background. We learned a lot and grew a lot.

However, one of the things we had to do was raise our own support money. I hated it. I hated calling people and asking for money. I felt a lot of pressure to do stuff I was terrible at. Consequently we were having lots of trouble getting enough support to go overseas. I went back to work to support us while we kept trying to raise funds.

At work I passed by an office and saw some coworkers looking at a picture of a naked woman. This prompted me to search our work network for the pictures. I found them and looked at them often.

About this time the internet was developing. I got access at home. I started looking for porn. I got in the habit of staying home from church some nights to look at porn. This allowed me to be home alone so I wouldn't be disturbed. I also stayed up late sometimes.

We still weren't raising money very well. I decided to quit work and trust God for the money we needed and work full-time to raise support. We went on like this for many months and God did take care of us in many ways. However, the pressure on me helped make my sexual problem s worse.

One night I was up late waiting for a porn site to load. This was the bad old dial-up days -- pictures usually took several minutes to load. The screen finally appeared. So did Maria! I quickly turned off the monitor. She asked me what I was doing. I turned back on the screen and kind of bumblingly told her. She was incensed.

I was forced to admit my porn problem to our mission organization and quit. We wrote a regular newsletter to people interested in what we were doing. We wrote a final letter saying we stopped because we couldn't raise enough money.

Maria and my relationship was worse than ever. She said God had audibly told her to get up that night and check out what I was doing. She couldn't believe I'd betray her like that. There was again lots of yelling.

After College

Shortly after I graduated from college I went to a Christian conference. On the final night the speaker was Billy Graham. All week I knew he would challenge us to more fully commit to God. I knew I was not committed enough. After he spoke I stayed up several hours thinking and praying. I knew I either needed to choose God or walk away, not just sit on the fence. Finally I chose to follow God.

The Christian organization I was in had an alumnus, Duke, who worked on campus. He hung around a lot and provided friendship and counseling to young men in the organization. He had asked me to get together, but I had rebuffed him. I was afraid he'd find out about my sins, especially masturbating. After the conference the main thing I did was start visiting with Duke.

He did find out about my masturbation habit and tried to help me get over it. I had to report to him, which at least slowed me down. When that didn't work he devised stronger punishments. He made me masturbate in front of him. He pretended to take photos and generally embarrass me. Once he flicked my penis as I was about to come -- the pain stopping my orgasm. Once he had me hook myself up to some strings so that I was forced to keep my hands outstreched or have the strings yank on my scrotum.

His ideas had some success but didn't completely stop me from masturbating.

I met my future wife, Maria, at college. She was in the same Christian group. We did not date for a long time. After we both left school we were in the same church. She felt I needed a friend and suggested we jog together. I suspected and eventually knew she liked me. While we jogged I would argue in my head with God that she wasn't the one for me. I was much more physically attracted to other women. I also knew I had sexual problems and couldn't really trust my hormones and feelings. Eventually I saw that I could be comfortable around Maria unlike with most women. I decided it was right for us to date.

We dated for a few months then got engaged. We became more and more physical but never had intercourse. Neither of us knew much about oral sex. What we did know we thought was wrong and scared us so we never had oral sex either. We did kiss some and pet a lot. Sometimes Maria was topless when we hugged. One holiday when her roomates were gone we spent the night together in each others' arms -- she was topless. A few times she played with my penis and brought me to orgasm once or twice. As our marriage approached I think we were naked together sometimes. I felt guilty about a lot of this behavior, feeling like we were going too far and I was mostly the one pushing us too far.

During our engagement we both shared how we struggled with masturbation. We came up with a plan to help each other (it was probably more my plan than hers, but I don't really remember). Whoever masturbated first would have to lower their pants and the other would spank them three times. I was very competitive and viewed this as a competition. I didn't want to lose and only failed once. Maria failed a few times.

After what seemed like a long time, but really wasn't we got married.

Child, part 2

I feel wrong doing this, even though nothing is wrong. I probably also feel scared sharing, even though I've shared most of my history before. I guess I've had a good dose of guilt, both real and imagined.

There are some things about my childhood and youth sexual history that I left out. Here they are.

Around my ninth birthday my family went to a convention related to my mom's profession. It was fun. We got to stay at a hotel and do fun stuff. We didn't usually do something like that. While there my dad bought a Playboy magazine. He let me "read" it too. After we got home, I would ask and he'd let me look through it. I remember my sister asking what was so fascinating, was it about cars or something. I think she might have eventually figured it out. I remember really liking it and being enamored with women's bare butts and breasts -- no full nudity back then. I felt a special bond with my dad. He rarely did stuff with me, so this felt very special. Some years later, when I was a teenager a friend had some Playboy magazines. I remember feeling too shy and scared to read them with him. By then my Christianity had settled in.

Many times as a teenager I went outside naked. I did it when no one was around, usually in my backyard at night or very early morning. As I got older I had less chance, but still did it sometimes.

I had a best friend since third grade. He's the one who invited me to church when I became a Christian. I hung around him and his family a lot and stayed over at his house many time. Even though we were best friends we never talked about sexual stuff. Too shy and too conservative. One night his mom came down to tell us to be quiet. She was wearing only a slip which caught my interest. When I was there I slept in my friend's bed. Once I jerked off while sleeping in his bed with him, but it was not homo erotic. I just hoped he didn't notice. Another time I was sleeping in their tree house with him and some of his brothers and jerked off. Again hoping no one noticed.

In high school, as I said, I had almost no dates. When I did have a girlfriend she was only allowed to go to church stuff. (She couldn't wait to turn 18 and get out of the house away from her strict Dad.) We found ways to make out though. Once we went to Disneyland with another couple. We switched -- I have no idea why. When we went on a ride that got dark -- say the train tunnel -- we made out with our switched partner. My only other make out session was at a church function at someone's home. No parents, the evening was late. We all paired up and tried some stuff -- not much more than kissing. I remember we all felt bad at the end. I apologized to the girl I was with and we both agreed we meant nothing serious by it. That was as close as I got to sex until I got together with the woman who is now my wife.

I liked a girl for a long time in high school and on into my college years. She went to my church for a while. She was Japanese and her family eventually moved to a Japanese church. I almost asked her out once. I had just been taught to ask the dad first for permission. I called and asked for him, but he wasn't home. I never got up the nerve to call again. I went by their house a lot hoping to see her. I ran into her a couple of times. Once at a conference we had lunch together. Once at a party I sat next to year and put my arm around her. I never knew how to do much else. I was scared of the phone. I didn't know how to make conversation. I didn't have a job (too shy to go looking) and so not much money for a date. Another time her church had a concert (Christian rock, just beginning at the time) and we worked together to have a group from my church go and a party afterwards at her house. I think she liked me too. I was just too shy and stupid to proceed. I still think about her sometimes.

I went to a junior college for three years. Then went to a university for two more. They are two different situations. My first three years I was at home. I fell away from God and church my first year but eventually got involved in my church's very good college group. It was through this group that I was in a men's bible study where I actually had the courage to share my struggles with masturbation. It didn't get ridiculed, it went OK. I hoped I could get prayers and help with my problem (as I perceived it). But we were all too shy to keep sharing and it never really came up much again. It was also around this time I went on a camping trip with four others. One was a girl I liked. We all slept with our sleeping bags next to each other. I got to be next to the girl I liked. I jerked off in the middle of the night. It was the only time I "slept" with a women before I met my wife.

When I went to university I was part of a very good Christian group. I actually went on some dates. We had three date events each year (one each quarter). I got up the nerve to ask someone to each one. They were all pretty pristine -- no real sexual contact. My second year I actually went on several dates besides our group's date nights. I guess I was learning. One date was with a girl I just wanted to be nice too -- I wasn't really physically attracted to her. Afterwards we sat in her dorm room, watched TV and periodically tickled each other. I tried to get her to tickle me well below my stomach. I felt guilty about this. At the end of the year, when I was graduating and didn't figure to see her anymore, I apologized for my behavior and explained I didn't really want her as a girlfriend.

My Christian group reinforced my aversion to drinking and dancing. A girl asked me to her sorority dance. I went but didn't tell her I didn't dance until we got there. Another friend was there and danced with her some. Looking back I feel like a clod.

There you have it -- my sex life through college. Pretty wild, huh? I wouldn't hold my breath for the movie.

I Started Out as a Child

I don't know where to begin. I'm going to share some history. Hopefully it will make my present more understandable.

I was not raised Christian. A friend invited me to church a little before 7th grade (I was 12). There I heard that people didn't get into heaven by being good. The got in by believing in Jesus. That made sense to me then and still does. So I believed. I had already been thinking thoughts about how big the universe is and whether God exists. I knew if I needed to be good I was screwed (I wouldn't have used that language then, but it's how I felt).

When I came into puberty I discovered masturbation. I viewed it as wrong, an opinion shared by my church as far as I knew. I never talked about it -- I was too shy and scared and people didn't talk about stuff like that in public, let alone church. All I heard in church was that sex was evil outside of marriage. I don't think masturbation is necessarily wrong anymore, but I held that view through high school and college and into adulthood. Even though I viewed it as wrong I couldn't stop -- it was a regular habit.

I had a keen interest in girls but was very shy. I didn't talk to any girls until I was a sophomore in High School. I never dated. I missed my prom. A girl asked me, but I thought dancing was wrong (a church belief) and also thought it was wrong to go out with a non-Christian. As a senior I had a girlfriend briefly, but I was just a temporary boyfriend for her while her real boyfriend and her had a break up.

My Mom actually starting coming to church for a while, as did my sister, and even one of my brothers for a bit. However, I was the one who really stuck it out.

As a young high schooler we found out my Dad was having an affair. My mom told me while we were grocery shopping. My mom called her a prostitute, but didn't seem really angry. In fact, the woman became a family friend and I even babysat her son sometimes. Eventually my Mom and Dad started having an open marriage. They became part of a group called Synergy. It was a swinging group. They had some parties (orgies?) at our house. I sometimes heard them having sex themselves or with others.

My mom asked me not to tell anyone at church. It's pretty funny now. There was no way I'd embarrass myself (or her) like that. It wasn't so funny then. I just felt terribly conflicted. I felt me and my family were totally screwing up. I felt like a hypocrite.

During this time I would see my Mom naked. This wasn't new. However, it disturbed me. I was way too shy. Once I reached puberty it felt weird. I don't remember being sexually aroused, but I might have suppressed it.

I saw one other woman naked. I was up early one morning and she walked down the hallway. That was it. I was interested, but didn't want to look. I was conflicted.

I remember my Mom becoming more physically affectionate. We didn't really hug or anything in our family. I only learned hugging through my friends at church. Now my mom started hugging me. I was freaked. Was she just trying to make up for a deficiency in our family. Or was her swinging life making her want me sexually?

My mom and dad also would go to a nudist recreation place. My mom invited me. I wanted to go but believed it was wrong. Again, I was very conflicted.

So I leave off for now. At this point I was a shy, sexually repressed and confused teenage boy. I believed a lot of things were wrong. I felt guilty for my sexual thoughts and masturbation. I felt like a loser who could not attract girls. My parents were freaking me out.

Some Sharing

I started this blog promising to share. I haven't. I've hardly posted.

The problem is really the same as the reason for the blog. I'm a Christian. I believe in the Bible. I believe Jesus died for my sins and rose on the third day. However, a lot of what I see Christians seeing and doing is not consistent with the Bible or with what Jesus says.

A big thing we Christians do is make too many rules. In my heart I violate a lot of the rules, especially the sexual ones. Sometimes I'm really violating what the Bible says and doing wrong. Other times I'm just violating man made rules. I may feel guilty or ashamed, but I didn't really do anything wrong. I often cannot tell the difference.

Sometimes even though what I'm doing is not explicitly wrong it may hurt those close to me. I am married, so I most worry about hurting my wife.

So this blog is a secret from my friends and especially my wife. I want to air out my thoughts and problems without hurting her or any of the rest of my friends.

There is the dilemma. I don't want to write at home and be caught. So I must chose my times to post carefully. I have thought of writing sometimes, but felt more like devoting my energies to the real world. Now I'm starting again. I feel like I need to write to sort things out. Hopefully this start will go better.

I have a lot more to say, but will stop here. I don't want to begin with a tome.