Depressed

Maria is in the hospital and has been since Thursday (Feb 21). She had a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) reaction. She's been in before with this type of thing, but not for many years. Before she would get very depressed and feel like killing herself. This time she didn't get depressed -- she got angry and wanted to hurt someone. Rather than act on the feeling, which scared her, she went to the doctor and was admitted to the hospital mental facility.

Maria suffers from PTSD because of bad stuff that happened to her as a child, most awful being her dad sexually abusing her. For years she repressed it. It's been coming out, and she's had some reactions, but none this bad for many years (thus no hospital for many years).

So, actually, she's not depressed, I am. When she has these reactions she confuses me with her father and starts yelling at me and thinking I'm going to hurt her. There is small bit of reality in this. She caught me looking at internet porn many years ago which hurt her deeply. I have yelled at her and been angry with her. I still get upset with her sometimes. However, I've never physically hurt her (other than accidentally, like stepping on her toe in the dark).

In this case she started yelling at me Wednesday night without warning. Often when this happens I've said something mean or sarcastic or had a bad attitude that she picked up on. This time I don't even know what I did, but she thought I did something. She didn't want to be around me so I went out for dinner and a movie and then slept on the couch when I got home. While I was at work Thursday she went into the hospital. She didn't want me to visit, but I expected that since I'm a trigger for these reactions.

Friday she actually called me from the hospital and was feeling much better. We had good visits Saturday and last night and all seemed good. The doctor adjusted her meds and she's in until they get it right.

She called me today. She's still OK, but talked about how when she thinks of going home she starts to feel weird again at the thought of being around me. She knows what's going on and is apologetic and knows I won't really do anything, but still these fears and emotions get to her.

So I'm depressed. I'm depressed that I'm such a trigger for her, that there's nothing I can do, that she's held onto this for so long, that she feels weird despite the medicine and counseling she's getting. I'm depressed that she yells at me when she gets like this. Her being in the hospital has made me think more about death and my own (and her) mortality. Our friends are getting older and more frail, as are we. It's all not happy stuff.

At least I can live one day at a time, enjoy life and those around me and enjoy God and his blessings.

Real Life

As I said I've been out of the cyber world because I've been in the real world. There were the holidays and spending time with family. In the midst of it I had to deal with furnace failure, computer failure, TV failure, and year end finances. I also took Maria to the hospital emergency room.

Maria's last menstrual period never stopped. In fact she was bleeding more after 7 days than at the start. Our medical group said we needed to go to the emergency room. It's a very long wait. We spent 7 hours to see a nurse practitioner and get an ultrasound. The diagnosis was that Maria has fibroids in her uterus. This is not that serious. They gave her medicine to stop the bleeding and it worked for a day or two, but then she started bleeding again. She's still seeing doctors and they are not completely sure why she's bleeding so much but still don't seem to panicked. As of yesterday the bleeding stopped. It's kind of scary. It's taken something out of me as well.

I'm still working on stuff. Part of me thinks that if Maria died I'd be free of a lot of restrictions and my life would be better. That's really stupid, I know, but my mind goes there anyway. I'm tired of her getting having physical and emotional problems. I like being athletic. I don't like growing old and dying and stuff like this makes me think about just that. I want to avoid it.

Our last date night was on a day the bleeding had stopped. She was in a great mood and wanted sex with me. I was feeling upset about our PG movie restriction. We had watched a dumb boring old movie for our date. She didn't feel up to anything more than watching a movie. I also felt conflicted about her being ill. I got tired and my stomach hurt a bit and used these as excuses to avoid sex with her. I felt very guilty and depressed the next morning.

Last night I had learned my Black Snake Moan lesson. We talked some, watched some TV and even had sex. It was good.

Tagged Resolutions

I've been tagged by Eve (Living in Eden). I don't have anyone else to tag so I'm not going to copy the whole tag. Just a couple of thoughts on New Year's resolutions. BTW, Eve, thanks for the tag. I'm kind-of lonely over here and have never been tagged before. Thanks for popping my cherry!

The best thing I heard about resolutions is to not make resolutions. The problem is you make a resolution on Jan 1. Then you break it by about, oh, say, Jan 2. Then it's gone. Better to make goals or objectives. Resolution: I'll avoid all sweets. Goal: Lose 10 pounds by summer. With the goal you can mess up and still keep going.

New Year's is a good time to evaluate and re-focus and make plans and goals. I didn't do it this year so Eve has given me a chance to think. I did fall off the exercise and diet wagon, especially the last few months and need to get back on. My goal is to lose 10kg (20lbs) by June and get back into decent cardiovascular condition. I need to avoid sweets and exercise regularly to do this.

I also am learning to value people more. I'm not a complete iconoclast but I do avoid people often and often keep lots of distance. God has been changing my heart and I need to keep letting that happen. Not sure an exact objective. I'm trying to listen better and treat my wife with more respect and understanding. I'm trying to take the initiative to talk (or otherwise communicate) more. I'll try to avoid Monty's method, especially since I'm married.



Enough rambling for now. If I follow both of these I'll do well.

Black Snake Moan

I've been gone for a while -- many things going on in real life. I'll talk more about that and take care of other stuff in future blogs. Right now I need to write about the movie "Black Snake Moan."

Many years ago I heard someone say watching "Good Will Hunting" took the place of a good counseling session. I saw it and agreed. I wouldn't recommend replacing needed counseling with a movie, but it sure grabbed me where I hurt and helped me a lot.

"Black Snake Moan" grabbed me by the balls and never let go. It also did a fair job of kicking the shit out of me. However, it was all done therapeutically and even with a good dose of Christian spirituality.

Where do I start? With Christina Ricci (Rae), of course. Her opening sex scene with Justin Timberlake (Ronnie) is just plain hot. The thought of seeing her in varying degrees of near nakedness and in all types of sexual situations really turned me on. That's what attracted me to the movie and she didn't disappoint.

I used the past tense on purpose. All sexuality of Rae is just so wrong I now feel compassion and sympathy for her. Probably even empathy. Not lust. There's a point in the movie (mini-spoiler here) where she sexually attacks someone. Not like rape, but the way she seduces is like a snake strike. This normally would be a turn-on for me but it's not. I see it as pathetic, as the movie intended. I'm being very honest here. I was masturbating in the shower and figured thinking of Rae would get me off. It had almost the opposite effect. Very weird for me.

As it happens there are other scenes that grab my gut even more than seeing Rae act out sexually. Scenes like the one here with Samuel Jackson and Christian Ricci have no sex. Everyone keeps their clothes on. Yet they are full of sexual tension and much more of a turn-on than any of the sexual scenes. The turn-on is that they are about things much deeper than sex. True love is shown. Hurts and heartaches are shared. People are honest with themselves and others. Blues music runs throughout and cements it all to my insides in a way I won't soon forget.

I learned many years ago in counseling that I use sex to replace normal emotions. When I'm depressed I like to look at beautiful women to feel better. Any physical or emotional intimacy with a woman very quickly stirs sexual thoughts and feelings in me. I desire intimacy with women more than men precisely because there is a sexual component when I relate to women. In all this I relate to Rae very much.

As I said, I already knew this years ago. Knowing helps, but it's not a cure. "Black Snake Moan" took that knowledge from my head and shoved it into my gut.

Boys enter puberty and go through several stages sexually. At first there's masturbation and getting thrilled just being around women. Later there is dating and various stages of sexual intimacy. Whenever a natural emotional growth is stunted people tend to live at the level emotional level they've reached even though they have physically matured well beyond the stunted emotional level. I often feel as if I have been stunted sexually at about age 14. For whatever reason -- shyness, strict religious morality, family distance and weirdness -- I never went through a lot as a teenager that others went through. Counseling and groups helped me realize this and deal with it. "Black Snake Moan" took me to Las Vegas on my 21st birthday, went with me to a strip club, got me drunk and set me up with the best prostitute in town. I feel like a man now.

Finally, I must comment on the music. I have such a deeper appreciation for the blues now. Right after seeing the movie I was listening to a Pandora radio station of mine. It plays heavy rock and metal. A number by Jimmy Hendrix came on -- "Hear My Train A Comin' " on "Martin Scorsese Presents The Blues: Jimi Hendrix." I know rock and blues have a connection but this really hit me. I see now why the blues are so powerful. The music in the movie -- I don't know any better way to say this -- took me and fucked me until I was drained of all bodily fluids.

Life is about people and loving people. Jesus said to love God and love people. Perhaps he meant show how you love God by loving people. Whatever, "Black Snake Moan" dramatically shows how to love people and in doing so how to love God.

For a long time I've had my mind converted to Jesus. My emotions follow Jesus more often than they used to. My sexuality follows once in a while but also goes off on it's own a lot. Now I feel like my heart, my soul and my balls are committed to loving people and loving God. Sex is not intimacy. Now, at a deep level, I now know that what I really want is intimacy with the people in my life.