I still desire other women. I really want someone I can talk to without walking on eggshells. Part of the problem is me. I am very uptight and anal. I pray and do stuff to relax but it's pretty ingrained. Part of it is Maria. She is VERY sensitive. We simply cannot talk about sex. I've screwed up and sinned and I have no more valid voice. Also totally off-limits is any topic that borders on problems in our marriage, or communication, or -- God forbid -- a problem I see in her life. I don't even want to change her particularly. I'd just like to aim toward some progress.
I'm really discouraged about our sex life. We have sex sometimes, but I'm losing interest. She's still gaining weight which is a major turn off to me. Back when she'd get mad more, there was a night she was screaming and calling me all sorts of bad stuff. Then a while later she calmed down and wanted to be intimate. I just couldn't do it emotionally. Too much hurt. Since then I've been gun shy and completely passive. I guess I've lost trust and emotional intimacy.
She hasn't freaked out since I blogged last year. And I just try to keep things calm. We've been to marriage counselling, but she usually drops out after a while. The sessions mostly end up being her discussing (or yelling about) my faults. I'm not encouraged.
So we are far from where I'd like to be. On the other hand I'm far from ready to go through divorce or anything. Since I see my problems I have no rosey thoughts that I could do much better. We are at least stable and have three great grown children. We are OK financially, which is a lot better than many these days. Life could be a lot worse.
Life's OK, but it seems far from where it should be. If we could somehow learn to talk without freaking out I feel we could make progress. It's kind of lonely, but I'm used to lonely. The rest of my life is pretty good and I take pleasure in that.
1 comment:
Hey Harry,
This is Ron from the Shack, I had no idea you had this blog going, so glad I found it today.
Let me tell you, we are so alike in so many respects. My wife and I have been down such a similar road. Not to say the road still isn't there, but it's gotten somewhat better.
It's funny in a way, but I have had some of the very same feelings about not feeling able to tell some of the things I want to get out, such as how I relate to my wife sexually because of her gained weight. No eggshells here at all. If you want someone to talk with, I welcome that very much.
Ron
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