Life Goes On

I haven't posted in a long time. (Duh!) I guess I got a lot of stuff out and haven't felt the need to vent in quite a while. Still, I don't want to totally let this blog die. I like having a place to vent my dark side.

I still desire other women. I really want someone I can talk to without walking on eggshells. Part of the problem is me. I am very uptight and anal. I pray and do stuff to relax but it's pretty ingrained.  Part of it is Maria. She is VERY sensitive. We simply cannot talk about sex. I've screwed up and sinned and I have no more valid voice. Also totally off-limits is any topic that borders on problems in our marriage, or communication, or -- God forbid -- a problem I see in her life. I don't even want to change her particularly. I'd just like to aim toward some progress.

I'm really discouraged about our sex life. We have sex sometimes, but I'm losing interest. She's still gaining weight which is a major turn off to me. Back when she'd get mad more, there was a night she was screaming and calling me all sorts of bad stuff. Then a while later she calmed down and wanted to be intimate. I just couldn't do it emotionally. Too much hurt. Since then I've been gun shy and completely passive. I guess I've lost trust and emotional intimacy.

She hasn't freaked out since I blogged last year. And I just try to keep things calm. We've been to marriage counselling, but she usually drops out after a while. The sessions mostly end up being her discussing (or yelling about) my faults. I'm not encouraged.

So we are far from where I'd like to be. On the other hand I'm far from ready to go through divorce or anything. Since I see my problems I have no rosey thoughts that I could do much better. We are at least stable and have three great grown children. We are OK financially, which is a lot better than many these days. Life could be a lot worse.

Life's OK, but it seems far from where it should be. If we could somehow learn to talk without freaking out I feel we could make progress. It's kind of lonely, but I'm used to lonely. The rest of my life is pretty good and I take pleasure in that.

Depressed

Maria is in the hospital and has been since Thursday (Feb 21). She had a PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) reaction. She's been in before with this type of thing, but not for many years. Before she would get very depressed and feel like killing herself. This time she didn't get depressed -- she got angry and wanted to hurt someone. Rather than act on the feeling, which scared her, she went to the doctor and was admitted to the hospital mental facility.

Maria suffers from PTSD because of bad stuff that happened to her as a child, most awful being her dad sexually abusing her. For years she repressed it. It's been coming out, and she's had some reactions, but none this bad for many years (thus no hospital for many years).

So, actually, she's not depressed, I am. When she has these reactions she confuses me with her father and starts yelling at me and thinking I'm going to hurt her. There is small bit of reality in this. She caught me looking at internet porn many years ago which hurt her deeply. I have yelled at her and been angry with her. I still get upset with her sometimes. However, I've never physically hurt her (other than accidentally, like stepping on her toe in the dark).

In this case she started yelling at me Wednesday night without warning. Often when this happens I've said something mean or sarcastic or had a bad attitude that she picked up on. This time I don't even know what I did, but she thought I did something. She didn't want to be around me so I went out for dinner and a movie and then slept on the couch when I got home. While I was at work Thursday she went into the hospital. She didn't want me to visit, but I expected that since I'm a trigger for these reactions.

Friday she actually called me from the hospital and was feeling much better. We had good visits Saturday and last night and all seemed good. The doctor adjusted her meds and she's in until they get it right.

She called me today. She's still OK, but talked about how when she thinks of going home she starts to feel weird again at the thought of being around me. She knows what's going on and is apologetic and knows I won't really do anything, but still these fears and emotions get to her.

So I'm depressed. I'm depressed that I'm such a trigger for her, that there's nothing I can do, that she's held onto this for so long, that she feels weird despite the medicine and counseling she's getting. I'm depressed that she yells at me when she gets like this. Her being in the hospital has made me think more about death and my own (and her) mortality. Our friends are getting older and more frail, as are we. It's all not happy stuff.

At least I can live one day at a time, enjoy life and those around me and enjoy God and his blessings.

Real Life

As I said I've been out of the cyber world because I've been in the real world. There were the holidays and spending time with family. In the midst of it I had to deal with furnace failure, computer failure, TV failure, and year end finances. I also took Maria to the hospital emergency room.

Maria's last menstrual period never stopped. In fact she was bleeding more after 7 days than at the start. Our medical group said we needed to go to the emergency room. It's a very long wait. We spent 7 hours to see a nurse practitioner and get an ultrasound. The diagnosis was that Maria has fibroids in her uterus. This is not that serious. They gave her medicine to stop the bleeding and it worked for a day or two, but then she started bleeding again. She's still seeing doctors and they are not completely sure why she's bleeding so much but still don't seem to panicked. As of yesterday the bleeding stopped. It's kind of scary. It's taken something out of me as well.

I'm still working on stuff. Part of me thinks that if Maria died I'd be free of a lot of restrictions and my life would be better. That's really stupid, I know, but my mind goes there anyway. I'm tired of her getting having physical and emotional problems. I like being athletic. I don't like growing old and dying and stuff like this makes me think about just that. I want to avoid it.

Our last date night was on a day the bleeding had stopped. She was in a great mood and wanted sex with me. I was feeling upset about our PG movie restriction. We had watched a dumb boring old movie for our date. She didn't feel up to anything more than watching a movie. I also felt conflicted about her being ill. I got tired and my stomach hurt a bit and used these as excuses to avoid sex with her. I felt very guilty and depressed the next morning.

Last night I had learned my Black Snake Moan lesson. We talked some, watched some TV and even had sex. It was good.

Tagged Resolutions

I've been tagged by Eve (Living in Eden). I don't have anyone else to tag so I'm not going to copy the whole tag. Just a couple of thoughts on New Year's resolutions. BTW, Eve, thanks for the tag. I'm kind-of lonely over here and have never been tagged before. Thanks for popping my cherry!

The best thing I heard about resolutions is to not make resolutions. The problem is you make a resolution on Jan 1. Then you break it by about, oh, say, Jan 2. Then it's gone. Better to make goals or objectives. Resolution: I'll avoid all sweets. Goal: Lose 10 pounds by summer. With the goal you can mess up and still keep going.

New Year's is a good time to evaluate and re-focus and make plans and goals. I didn't do it this year so Eve has given me a chance to think. I did fall off the exercise and diet wagon, especially the last few months and need to get back on. My goal is to lose 10kg (20lbs) by June and get back into decent cardiovascular condition. I need to avoid sweets and exercise regularly to do this.

I also am learning to value people more. I'm not a complete iconoclast but I do avoid people often and often keep lots of distance. God has been changing my heart and I need to keep letting that happen. Not sure an exact objective. I'm trying to listen better and treat my wife with more respect and understanding. I'm trying to take the initiative to talk (or otherwise communicate) more. I'll try to avoid Monty's method, especially since I'm married.



Enough rambling for now. If I follow both of these I'll do well.

Black Snake Moan

I've been gone for a while -- many things going on in real life. I'll talk more about that and take care of other stuff in future blogs. Right now I need to write about the movie "Black Snake Moan."

Many years ago I heard someone say watching "Good Will Hunting" took the place of a good counseling session. I saw it and agreed. I wouldn't recommend replacing needed counseling with a movie, but it sure grabbed me where I hurt and helped me a lot.

"Black Snake Moan" grabbed me by the balls and never let go. It also did a fair job of kicking the shit out of me. However, it was all done therapeutically and even with a good dose of Christian spirituality.

Where do I start? With Christina Ricci (Rae), of course. Her opening sex scene with Justin Timberlake (Ronnie) is just plain hot. The thought of seeing her in varying degrees of near nakedness and in all types of sexual situations really turned me on. That's what attracted me to the movie and she didn't disappoint.

I used the past tense on purpose. All sexuality of Rae is just so wrong I now feel compassion and sympathy for her. Probably even empathy. Not lust. There's a point in the movie (mini-spoiler here) where she sexually attacks someone. Not like rape, but the way she seduces is like a snake strike. This normally would be a turn-on for me but it's not. I see it as pathetic, as the movie intended. I'm being very honest here. I was masturbating in the shower and figured thinking of Rae would get me off. It had almost the opposite effect. Very weird for me.

As it happens there are other scenes that grab my gut even more than seeing Rae act out sexually. Scenes like the one here with Samuel Jackson and Christian Ricci have no sex. Everyone keeps their clothes on. Yet they are full of sexual tension and much more of a turn-on than any of the sexual scenes. The turn-on is that they are about things much deeper than sex. True love is shown. Hurts and heartaches are shared. People are honest with themselves and others. Blues music runs throughout and cements it all to my insides in a way I won't soon forget.

I learned many years ago in counseling that I use sex to replace normal emotions. When I'm depressed I like to look at beautiful women to feel better. Any physical or emotional intimacy with a woman very quickly stirs sexual thoughts and feelings in me. I desire intimacy with women more than men precisely because there is a sexual component when I relate to women. In all this I relate to Rae very much.

As I said, I already knew this years ago. Knowing helps, but it's not a cure. "Black Snake Moan" took that knowledge from my head and shoved it into my gut.

Boys enter puberty and go through several stages sexually. At first there's masturbation and getting thrilled just being around women. Later there is dating and various stages of sexual intimacy. Whenever a natural emotional growth is stunted people tend to live at the level emotional level they've reached even though they have physically matured well beyond the stunted emotional level. I often feel as if I have been stunted sexually at about age 14. For whatever reason -- shyness, strict religious morality, family distance and weirdness -- I never went through a lot as a teenager that others went through. Counseling and groups helped me realize this and deal with it. "Black Snake Moan" took me to Las Vegas on my 21st birthday, went with me to a strip club, got me drunk and set me up with the best prostitute in town. I feel like a man now.

Finally, I must comment on the music. I have such a deeper appreciation for the blues now. Right after seeing the movie I was listening to a Pandora radio station of mine. It plays heavy rock and metal. A number by Jimmy Hendrix came on -- "Hear My Train A Comin' " on "Martin Scorsese Presents The Blues: Jimi Hendrix." I know rock and blues have a connection but this really hit me. I see now why the blues are so powerful. The music in the movie -- I don't know any better way to say this -- took me and fucked me until I was drained of all bodily fluids.

Life is about people and loving people. Jesus said to love God and love people. Perhaps he meant show how you love God by loving people. Whatever, "Black Snake Moan" dramatically shows how to love people and in doing so how to love God.

For a long time I've had my mind converted to Jesus. My emotions follow Jesus more often than they used to. My sexuality follows once in a while but also goes off on it's own a lot. Now I feel like my heart, my soul and my balls are committed to loving people and loving God. Sex is not intimacy. Now, at a deep level, I now know that what I really want is intimacy with the people in my life.

Not Much to Say

I don't have much to say, but wanted to check in since I haven't posted for a while.

Things are going OK and I haven't felt the need to share so much. Getting my story down and looking at it really helped. Maria and I still have our issues but things are pretty good right now. I've been making some good changes and seen God doing stuff in my life. The PG thing I wrote about last time is still there, but Maria and I seem to be doing OK. Our last date went well -- we enjoyed each other and had a good time. Even though I still don't like the PG restriction it may yet lead to good things.

Today I found a another blog I like: Diary of a Nudist. I now link to it. I like his point of view, not to mention the pictures of naked people. I like looking at beautiful, naked women. I also respect people and think life would be better if we accepted our own and each other's bodies. I like looking even staring at women, but I also don't wish to insult them or violate their rights. I try to learn to appreciate without being perverted, to look people in the eye, smile and let them know they are appreciated. I feel that more openness about nudity would help reduce its sexualization and make things better for all.

With the holidays here I may not post until next year. If so, happy holidays. I wish you the best and hope you have an enjoyable end of the year.

PG

This is again a tough post for me. It's about a counseling session Maria and I had last week. I don't want to break confidence. I'm not used to sharing this stuff. But the point is to practice getting it out. I like to be honest. However, I am also very reserved about certain aspects of my personal life. I'm trying to change that for the better.

From the last paragraph you may be expecting some intimate sexual details. Sorry, I doubt there will be any. Today you need to get your thrills elsewhere.

I've been in my own little world for the past couple of weeks. I've been working on a website. I'm a computer geek. It's fun. I'm doing something productive and helpful too. I do it to relax instead of just vegging in front of the TV. It is in many ways good. The bad is that I tend to stay up late and avoid interacting with people. Worst of all I tend to shut Maria out of my life.

At our counseling session the counselor asked what I had done lately to build emotional intimacy with Maria. Frankly, not much. However, we do like to watch movies together. So I said I had taken time a couple of days ago to watch a movie with Maria. I had rented the grindhouse movies. We had watched one -- "Death Proof." I wasn't that interested to watch the other on my own and probably would have just skipped it. Instead of just going to the computer one night, I suggested we watch the other -- "Planet Terror."

Our counselor was taken aback at the choice of movies. He didn't think they were healthy for us. Then Maria said she was upset because the movies had so much sexual content. This hurts her because she was sexually abused as a child and I like to look at other women and porn, as I've written before.

I got defensive. Yes, it wasn't a great attempt at intimacy and I had been neglecting emotional intimacy. But it was an honest attempt and an honest answer. I felt jumped on. I do have trouble being emotionally intimate with Maria. One thing that really attracted me to Maria was that I was comfortable around her. We could talk. Now I feel like I walk on egg shells around her. If I say the slightest wrong thing, I get jumped on. When I'm honest I express my sexual struggles and views. I even get angry about stuff. My sexual issues upset Maria (to the point of screaming irrational anger). My anger scares her. It seems like what she really wants is a sanitized version of me.

In our session I didn't get outwardly angry, but I was frustrated. As I said, I was defensive. I also shut down some -- just nod my head and agree until the bad time goes away. The upshot was the counselor suggested Maria and I only watch "G" or "PG" movies. Maria chimed in to say that way I could prove to her I was doing better. By avoiding raunchy stuff, I'd show something, not quite sure what.

This seems ridiculous. Yes, I need to be sensitive to her and not cause her stress. We should avoid movies she doesn't like, especially if they trigger her bad stuff. But she has liked this kind of movie before. She's got them herself. (I like that she's into action type movies, not just chick flicks.) She even commented, when the counselor asked her about only watching G and PG that it sounded boring.

The problem is that restricting movie content drastically won't prove anything. For one thing, nothing I do seems good enough to get her over my previous bad. In fact, it's often tough for her to just stick with my bad. She often saddles me with her dad's shit. To her credit she knows she does this and is working to quit it. But it's still hard on me. As I've written before, I've been in counseling, been to groups, even led groups. I've had a time off the internet. I've tried to be honest with her. If all that doesn't mean squat, how is changing our movie habits going to prove anything.

Another problem is I learned long ago I can't live just by following a bunch of rules. They don't really solve anything. That mentality has been the cause of many of my problems. I'm trying to decide what is right and wrong in the sexual area. I obviously need to not offend and hurt Maria. But I also feel like she views any offense against her as an offense against God. Even the slightest sexual misstep on my part hurts her and makes me a vile sinner. I cannot live up to that standard. Making hyper restrictive and arbitrary rules won't help me nor her.

So what have we done since then? We go on a date once a week and our usual date involves a movie. Last week was different, so we avoided the issue. I should bring it up and clear the air. However, I am weak at this. Plus, when I've tried it before, it leads to bad stuff -- Maria screaming or just shutting me out. We'll see how our next date goes. I'm willing to try for her sake, but I don't see it working out. Maybe it's time we did something different than watch movies and TV so much.

Meanwhile now I'm really avoiding TV. This has driven me to my computer even more. Which hasn't helped our intimacy at all.

Good Sex.

I've talked a lot on this blog about what's wrong with me and my marriage. Last night was very good -- it's only right to share.

Last night was good sexually. I'm a bit shy and will struggle with what to say. Yes, I've talked about my and even Maria's sexual issues. I'm still not totally used to it. Furthermore, I rarely tell anyone about specifics of our sex life. So I feel like I'm diving into the deep end of a freezing lake. Here goes ...

I've talked about how our sex life has tapered off. Maria being angry with me has really made me scared and sexually withdrawn. Furthermore Maria takes medicine that can make her tired and not very involved. That's not much of a turn on. Physically we've grown older and Maria has gained some weight. I'm not always physically attracted to her. She has also had some injuries and medical issues that cause her to not always feel up to doing anything. I too have grown older and thus lost some testosterone -- I just don't get as charged up as I used to.

Altogether this has often made me much less than excited about having sex with her. When we do hook up my "performance" has not always been up to snuff. It's often much easier to masturbate than have unknown, scary, unattractive, one-sided sex.

In the last few months, with Maria in her current therapy and we in counseling as a couple, there has been a lot less anger. That helps. I try to pay more attention to her. In the last couple of weeks she's been physically better. We've been together sexually more often. We are enjoying being together, sexually or otherwise, more.

Yesterday I was pretty charged up sexually. I found a link to Camilla's Erotic Archives (thanks Sonia). Several things there turned me on, but the German Camera Girl really lit my fire. Fuel was added to my fire by riding the bus to work next to a cute young coed, by a coworker whose top allowed me to see most of her breast, and by exercising at the gym near a woman with a beautiful face and an awesome figure. My bus ride home also was good -- I got to sit next to and talk with a sexy friend who was wearing a very low cut top.

When Maria and I went to bed I really wanted to have sex with her and make her happy. She was also very into it. I performed better than I have in a long while. We enjoyed each other more than we have in quite a while. It was very satisfying. Afterwards, as we both lay down, Maria was lying on her side, naked, turned away from me. I saw her as very sexy and attractive. I drifted into a happy sleep.