Child, part 2

I feel wrong doing this, even though nothing is wrong. I probably also feel scared sharing, even though I've shared most of my history before. I guess I've had a good dose of guilt, both real and imagined.

There are some things about my childhood and youth sexual history that I left out. Here they are.

Around my ninth birthday my family went to a convention related to my mom's profession. It was fun. We got to stay at a hotel and do fun stuff. We didn't usually do something like that. While there my dad bought a Playboy magazine. He let me "read" it too. After we got home, I would ask and he'd let me look through it. I remember my sister asking what was so fascinating, was it about cars or something. I think she might have eventually figured it out. I remember really liking it and being enamored with women's bare butts and breasts -- no full nudity back then. I felt a special bond with my dad. He rarely did stuff with me, so this felt very special. Some years later, when I was a teenager a friend had some Playboy magazines. I remember feeling too shy and scared to read them with him. By then my Christianity had settled in.

Many times as a teenager I went outside naked. I did it when no one was around, usually in my backyard at night or very early morning. As I got older I had less chance, but still did it sometimes.

I had a best friend since third grade. He's the one who invited me to church when I became a Christian. I hung around him and his family a lot and stayed over at his house many time. Even though we were best friends we never talked about sexual stuff. Too shy and too conservative. One night his mom came down to tell us to be quiet. She was wearing only a slip which caught my interest. When I was there I slept in my friend's bed. Once I jerked off while sleeping in his bed with him, but it was not homo erotic. I just hoped he didn't notice. Another time I was sleeping in their tree house with him and some of his brothers and jerked off. Again hoping no one noticed.

In high school, as I said, I had almost no dates. When I did have a girlfriend she was only allowed to go to church stuff. (She couldn't wait to turn 18 and get out of the house away from her strict Dad.) We found ways to make out though. Once we went to Disneyland with another couple. We switched -- I have no idea why. When we went on a ride that got dark -- say the train tunnel -- we made out with our switched partner. My only other make out session was at a church function at someone's home. No parents, the evening was late. We all paired up and tried some stuff -- not much more than kissing. I remember we all felt bad at the end. I apologized to the girl I was with and we both agreed we meant nothing serious by it. That was as close as I got to sex until I got together with the woman who is now my wife.

I liked a girl for a long time in high school and on into my college years. She went to my church for a while. She was Japanese and her family eventually moved to a Japanese church. I almost asked her out once. I had just been taught to ask the dad first for permission. I called and asked for him, but he wasn't home. I never got up the nerve to call again. I went by their house a lot hoping to see her. I ran into her a couple of times. Once at a conference we had lunch together. Once at a party I sat next to year and put my arm around her. I never knew how to do much else. I was scared of the phone. I didn't know how to make conversation. I didn't have a job (too shy to go looking) and so not much money for a date. Another time her church had a concert (Christian rock, just beginning at the time) and we worked together to have a group from my church go and a party afterwards at her house. I think she liked me too. I was just too shy and stupid to proceed. I still think about her sometimes.

I went to a junior college for three years. Then went to a university for two more. They are two different situations. My first three years I was at home. I fell away from God and church my first year but eventually got involved in my church's very good college group. It was through this group that I was in a men's bible study where I actually had the courage to share my struggles with masturbation. It didn't get ridiculed, it went OK. I hoped I could get prayers and help with my problem (as I perceived it). But we were all too shy to keep sharing and it never really came up much again. It was also around this time I went on a camping trip with four others. One was a girl I liked. We all slept with our sleeping bags next to each other. I got to be next to the girl I liked. I jerked off in the middle of the night. It was the only time I "slept" with a women before I met my wife.

When I went to university I was part of a very good Christian group. I actually went on some dates. We had three date events each year (one each quarter). I got up the nerve to ask someone to each one. They were all pretty pristine -- no real sexual contact. My second year I actually went on several dates besides our group's date nights. I guess I was learning. One date was with a girl I just wanted to be nice too -- I wasn't really physically attracted to her. Afterwards we sat in her dorm room, watched TV and periodically tickled each other. I tried to get her to tickle me well below my stomach. I felt guilty about this. At the end of the year, when I was graduating and didn't figure to see her anymore, I apologized for my behavior and explained I didn't really want her as a girlfriend.

My Christian group reinforced my aversion to drinking and dancing. A girl asked me to her sorority dance. I went but didn't tell her I didn't dance until we got there. Another friend was there and danced with her some. Looking back I feel like a clod.

There you have it -- my sex life through college. Pretty wild, huh? I wouldn't hold my breath for the movie.