I Started Out as a Child

I don't know where to begin. I'm going to share some history. Hopefully it will make my present more understandable.

I was not raised Christian. A friend invited me to church a little before 7th grade (I was 12). There I heard that people didn't get into heaven by being good. The got in by believing in Jesus. That made sense to me then and still does. So I believed. I had already been thinking thoughts about how big the universe is and whether God exists. I knew if I needed to be good I was screwed (I wouldn't have used that language then, but it's how I felt).

When I came into puberty I discovered masturbation. I viewed it as wrong, an opinion shared by my church as far as I knew. I never talked about it -- I was too shy and scared and people didn't talk about stuff like that in public, let alone church. All I heard in church was that sex was evil outside of marriage. I don't think masturbation is necessarily wrong anymore, but I held that view through high school and college and into adulthood. Even though I viewed it as wrong I couldn't stop -- it was a regular habit.

I had a keen interest in girls but was very shy. I didn't talk to any girls until I was a sophomore in High School. I never dated. I missed my prom. A girl asked me, but I thought dancing was wrong (a church belief) and also thought it was wrong to go out with a non-Christian. As a senior I had a girlfriend briefly, but I was just a temporary boyfriend for her while her real boyfriend and her had a break up.

My Mom actually starting coming to church for a while, as did my sister, and even one of my brothers for a bit. However, I was the one who really stuck it out.

As a young high schooler we found out my Dad was having an affair. My mom told me while we were grocery shopping. My mom called her a prostitute, but didn't seem really angry. In fact, the woman became a family friend and I even babysat her son sometimes. Eventually my Mom and Dad started having an open marriage. They became part of a group called Synergy. It was a swinging group. They had some parties (orgies?) at our house. I sometimes heard them having sex themselves or with others.

My mom asked me not to tell anyone at church. It's pretty funny now. There was no way I'd embarrass myself (or her) like that. It wasn't so funny then. I just felt terribly conflicted. I felt me and my family were totally screwing up. I felt like a hypocrite.

During this time I would see my Mom naked. This wasn't new. However, it disturbed me. I was way too shy. Once I reached puberty it felt weird. I don't remember being sexually aroused, but I might have suppressed it.

I saw one other woman naked. I was up early one morning and she walked down the hallway. That was it. I was interested, but didn't want to look. I was conflicted.

I remember my Mom becoming more physically affectionate. We didn't really hug or anything in our family. I only learned hugging through my friends at church. Now my mom started hugging me. I was freaked. Was she just trying to make up for a deficiency in our family. Or was her swinging life making her want me sexually?

My mom and dad also would go to a nudist recreation place. My mom invited me. I wanted to go but believed it was wrong. Again, I was very conflicted.

So I leave off for now. At this point I was a shy, sexually repressed and confused teenage boy. I believed a lot of things were wrong. I felt guilty for my sexual thoughts and masturbation. I felt like a loser who could not attract girls. My parents were freaking me out.