A Turning Point.

I realize I've left stuff out. I also struggle with what level of detail to include, and what should be private. The more open I am the better this will be. I'll keep going I don't want to get distracted.

Life was tough for me after Maria discovered me looking at internet porn. Maria felt awful. That made my life miserable. She shared with friends. I felt like she was punishing me and turning friends against me. Of course all she was doing was trying to share and get help. I felt like I was going to loose all my friends, especially my female friends.

Despite her hurt and anger, Maria did something very good. She drew boundaries. She somehow managed to not make them sound threatening to me.

1. No more porn in our home.
2. No more internet.
3. I had to get counseling.

I was OK with the first two. Counseling scared me and I didn't think it would help. I didn't like sharing my emotions. Our last counselor had not helped me much. I procrastinated on finding a counselor.

Then a very good thing happened. The wife of a couple we'd known for years talked with me. She told me they still loved me. She gave me the name of a counselor. She hugged me.

I felt immensely better. At least one friend, a woman at that, accepted me while knowing my sins. Not only that, she helped me on my way to counseling.

I met with the counselor and was more nervous than ever. He did two things that immediately helped me. First, he acknowledged how awful some of the things in my past were. Second, he said that my current behavior was linked to stuff in my past.

These may sound simple and common, but they really helped me. I hid the dark side of my past. Not many people ever heard me share. Of those, no one linked it to my current struggles (of course, no one knew the extent of my struggles). I came from a Christian background that looked down on psychology. The Bible had all the answers. Psychology was only a human tool, or worse, a tool of the Devil. People who linked their past to their current behavior were just copping out and blaming others for their own sin.

My counselor didn't do that. He still held me responsible for my actions. It's just that he knew there was a link to my past.

Another thing happened that I didn't realize right away. As a Christian I learned that sin was abhorrent. If I sinned it was because I didn't love God enough, or didn't have enough faith, or was listening to Satan and the World. I needed to pray and read my Bible more. I needed to love God more and try harder. We didn't share our sins because then our fellow Christians would look down on us. It might even show that we were not really Christian.

What happened in my counseling is that sin became something other than a plague to be avoided. It became a problem to be worked on. It didn't just exist or not exist. It was a weakness that could be strengthened. If I can't lift a weight, I don't give up and hide in shame. I keep lifting smaller weights until I get stronger. God isn't scared of my sin or surprised when I fail. He made me and loves me. He wants me to work on stuff and grow.

Another thing happened around that time. I felt better. Why? My darkest secret had been discovered. A weight was off my shoulders. And now I had hope for getting better. I had not actually gotten much better. But I had started the process and their was hope in that.

It was kind of weird. I felt the best I had in quite a while. Maria felt awful, was mad at me and still yelled at me a lot. I felt out of sync with her.