I've pretty well caught up to the present.
I believe I've grown a lot in being able to express my emotion in a healthy fashion, in controlling my anger, in seeing life and the Bible and God more honestly. I have better friendships. I do a better job of exercising and eating right.
Ironically I still look at women as much as ever. With better internet technology I look at pictures of women and read erotic material more than ever. I do believe I've grown in the way I look. I take much more care to look women in the eyes and respect them. However, I am still a shy nerdy type in many ways. I often stare when I shouldn't and get too shy to make the correct eye contact or say the right thing. I do not see this as nearly the problem (or sin) that many Christians do, nor as I once did.
I am much more focused on controlling myself around my wife, Maria. However, I am far from perfect an can still offend her by being interested in and distracted by a beautiful woman or a sexual scene. I also can offend her by getting angry when I shouldn't.
Maria has now been in steady counseling for many months, maybe over a year. I have not heard an outburst of anger from her in quite a while. We are also in counseling as a couple. It all has helped us. However, we still have a lot of distance between us. I still am scared of sharing with Maria how much I really like looking at other women. I'm scared of bringing up stuff. Maria has often been quiet for long periods only to eventually blow up into irrationality. I don't wish to set her off. We often seem bored with each other. Some of it is natural -- we know a lot about each other. Sometimes I feel like she's the last person I want to talk to. That's not so great.
Our sex life has tapered off. Before Maria got into her current counseling, she was yelling at me more and more. I like sex, but I felt stupid and wrong having sex when we were mad at each other so much. I really didn't want to have sex with someone who yelled at me and insulted me. My coldness seemed to affect her too. With the yelling down I feel better, but I find I often don't know where we stand and I don't want to push it.
Maria takes medicine to help with her emotional issues. This medicine often makes her tired at night and removes sexual desire, which also hurts our sex life. At times she is willing to let me have sex with her even though she's not aroused. I appreciate her kindness to me, but most of my fun is tied up in her having fun too. Sex is communication, after all. If I want self-gratification I can masturbate. I'm usually not very happy when we do the one-sided sex thing, and it tends to make me avoid sex unless I think she'll really be into it.
Thanks for letting me share my issues and my past. It has helped me. I plan to continue to posting. Obviously I still have issues as does my wife and our marriage. Writing about them helps me sort things out. Just since my recent spate of posts, I've become a lot more committed to working on our relationship. Despite our problems there is a lot of good in our lives.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Things I learned.
I apologize for the long delay since my last post. As I got nearer the present I found it hard to emotionally process everything. Also I've not had many opportunities to post lately.
It's time to go over some of the things I learned thoughout my struggles, groups and counseling.
I learned I was a Pharisee. I first realized this about 20 years ago when I was helping lead a small Bible study group studying the Gospel of Luke. I would read about Jesus. Jesus is the good guy. The Pharisees were the bad guys. I wanted to know more so I did some research on who the Pharisees were. It turns out they were the religious arm of the Maccabees. The Maccabees were national heroes in Israel. They had fought off the evil Greek empire almost 200 years before Jesus' ministry. The Maccabees were very comparable to how we in the United States view our revolutionary wars heroes. The Pharisees held to a strict view of the Bible. They believed it was the word of God. They were greatly admired and were very spiritual and religious. The light went on in my head. If they were alive today, I would identify with them. I hold a strict view of the Bible. I'm religious and hopefully spiritual.
I was surprised. They don't sound like bad guys! Why did Jesus fight them so much? Well, they started well. They had a great desire to protect the sanctity of God and his word. The Bible said to stay kosher. They decided they better avoid entering the house of a Gentile because there might be something un-kosher. The Bible said to rest and honor God on the Sabbath. They meticulously defined what it meant to rest. I believe they ended up with around 1600 extra rules to help obey God. They had gotten to the point where their rules were more important than God. They were also more important than people. Furthermore, they violated God's principles (for example, love God and love people) to keep their petty rules. They hid their own sin behind a bunch of spiritual sounding rules that only they were able to interpret. That's why Jesus was so upset with them.
When I realized this, I saw I had tendencies like the Pharisees. However, I did not realize how many extra rules I held to until much later. My attempts at mission work, my later therapy and groups, and my new church home helped me fully realize just how much I was like them. As I became more aware of my secret life and dealt with it more openly the comparisons became more obvious.
Over time I learned that I had several other ideas related to Phariseeism. I was a part of Christian groups that tended toward a certain exclusivity -- our way was the only way to God. We would interpret John 14:6 (Jesus says I am the Way, the Truth and the Life) as meaning the only way to God was to believe like we did. It's not really what Jesus says, but we tended toward thinking this way. I focused a lot on my own righteousness and how I compare with others. I was competitive about my righteousness. In this way I often saw others as worse than me.
I put this what I learn in the past tense because I've learned and grown past much of it. However, Even today I tend toward Phariseeism. My therapist would object when I'd call myself a Pharisee. "You were that way, you're not now," he'd say. He didn't want me being negative and labeling myself. He had a point. But it is also true that I have a very instinctive tendency to hide my true self and to judge others, to live by my rules, not God's principles.
Another thing I learned early on in therapy was that I have an anger problem. I was not completely unaware of it, but did not realize how much it hurt people, especially my family. My wife, Maria at one point told me that I scared her. I never thought of myself as scary. Once she said that I realize that I am big and I could start to see how I would be scary when I'm angry. I realized I have passive-aggressive tendencies. I don't like to cause trouble. So I would accept stuff that bothers me without saying anything. Eventually though, it would come out as me getting very angry. I often transferred anger. I wouldn't want to get angry at work (I could lose my job) so I'd keep the anger and then dump on Maria and my children.
Though therapy and my groups I learned how to deal with anger. I wrote a journal. The journal helped me understand what I was feeling and communicate my emotions. I learned how to know when I was angry. I practiced doing something about my anger when it happened. Once at work I got an upsetting email. I was very angry and upset. I walked outside and around the building to have time to think and to cool down. I wrote a reasonable answer -- I used my anger to give me energy to respond correctly. I did not just lash out right away. I also didn't suppress the anger. This was a big step for me.
Now when I get angry I try to express my anger. I try to not direct it at a person. I just say what makes me mad. I often say it in an angry voice (I am angry after all), but I try to not yell at anyone. After I've expressed my anger I can let it go and not suppress it. It has helped a lot, but I'm still learning. I also am trying to learn to just calm down and not let so many things bother me.
Another issue that I learned about was my weight and eating habits. I love sweets and was in the habit of eating a lot and of eating junk food. I am tall -- almost 6ft 2in (187cm) and I have a large frame. Still, I was above 250lbs (115kg), which is definitely overweight. Me being overweight wasn't really hurting anyone else, but it did affect my health. It also has bad long term effects. I started exercising more and watching what I eat. I'm now down to about 210lbs (96kg). I am still a bit overweight and I've gone up and down for several years, but I have obviously made progress. I've also exercised enough that I'm in reasonably good shape. I have the stamina and aerobic capacity to play a sport, run, bike or walk for an extended period of time.
It's time to go over some of the things I learned thoughout my struggles, groups and counseling.
I learned I was a Pharisee. I first realized this about 20 years ago when I was helping lead a small Bible study group studying the Gospel of Luke. I would read about Jesus. Jesus is the good guy. The Pharisees were the bad guys. I wanted to know more so I did some research on who the Pharisees were. It turns out they were the religious arm of the Maccabees. The Maccabees were national heroes in Israel. They had fought off the evil Greek empire almost 200 years before Jesus' ministry. The Maccabees were very comparable to how we in the United States view our revolutionary wars heroes. The Pharisees held to a strict view of the Bible. They believed it was the word of God. They were greatly admired and were very spiritual and religious. The light went on in my head. If they were alive today, I would identify with them. I hold a strict view of the Bible. I'm religious and hopefully spiritual.
I was surprised. They don't sound like bad guys! Why did Jesus fight them so much? Well, they started well. They had a great desire to protect the sanctity of God and his word. The Bible said to stay kosher. They decided they better avoid entering the house of a Gentile because there might be something un-kosher. The Bible said to rest and honor God on the Sabbath. They meticulously defined what it meant to rest. I believe they ended up with around 1600 extra rules to help obey God. They had gotten to the point where their rules were more important than God. They were also more important than people. Furthermore, they violated God's principles (for example, love God and love people) to keep their petty rules. They hid their own sin behind a bunch of spiritual sounding rules that only they were able to interpret. That's why Jesus was so upset with them.
When I realized this, I saw I had tendencies like the Pharisees. However, I did not realize how many extra rules I held to until much later. My attempts at mission work, my later therapy and groups, and my new church home helped me fully realize just how much I was like them. As I became more aware of my secret life and dealt with it more openly the comparisons became more obvious.
Over time I learned that I had several other ideas related to Phariseeism. I was a part of Christian groups that tended toward a certain exclusivity -- our way was the only way to God. We would interpret John 14:6 (Jesus says I am the Way, the Truth and the Life) as meaning the only way to God was to believe like we did. It's not really what Jesus says, but we tended toward thinking this way. I focused a lot on my own righteousness and how I compare with others. I was competitive about my righteousness. In this way I often saw others as worse than me.
I put this what I learn in the past tense because I've learned and grown past much of it. However, Even today I tend toward Phariseeism. My therapist would object when I'd call myself a Pharisee. "You were that way, you're not now," he'd say. He didn't want me being negative and labeling myself. He had a point. But it is also true that I have a very instinctive tendency to hide my true self and to judge others, to live by my rules, not God's principles.
Another thing I learned early on in therapy was that I have an anger problem. I was not completely unaware of it, but did not realize how much it hurt people, especially my family. My wife, Maria at one point told me that I scared her. I never thought of myself as scary. Once she said that I realize that I am big and I could start to see how I would be scary when I'm angry. I realized I have passive-aggressive tendencies. I don't like to cause trouble. So I would accept stuff that bothers me without saying anything. Eventually though, it would come out as me getting very angry. I often transferred anger. I wouldn't want to get angry at work (I could lose my job) so I'd keep the anger and then dump on Maria and my children.
Though therapy and my groups I learned how to deal with anger. I wrote a journal. The journal helped me understand what I was feeling and communicate my emotions. I learned how to know when I was angry. I practiced doing something about my anger when it happened. Once at work I got an upsetting email. I was very angry and upset. I walked outside and around the building to have time to think and to cool down. I wrote a reasonable answer -- I used my anger to give me energy to respond correctly. I did not just lash out right away. I also didn't suppress the anger. This was a big step for me.
Now when I get angry I try to express my anger. I try to not direct it at a person. I just say what makes me mad. I often say it in an angry voice (I am angry after all), but I try to not yell at anyone. After I've expressed my anger I can let it go and not suppress it. It has helped a lot, but I'm still learning. I also am trying to learn to just calm down and not let so many things bother me.
Another issue that I learned about was my weight and eating habits. I love sweets and was in the habit of eating a lot and of eating junk food. I am tall -- almost 6ft 2in (187cm) and I have a large frame. Still, I was above 250lbs (115kg), which is definitely overweight. Me being overweight wasn't really hurting anyone else, but it did affect my health. It also has bad long term effects. I started exercising more and watching what I eat. I'm now down to about 210lbs (96kg). I am still a bit overweight and I've gone up and down for several years, but I have obviously made progress. I've also exercised enough that I'm in reasonably good shape. I have the stamina and aerobic capacity to play a sport, run, bike or walk for an extended period of time.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Programs.
I was in counseling a few years and in various groups for many more. I never really got over my lustful thoughts or looking at women. I did a pretty good job of avoiding porn on the internet. At times I had stretches where I did really well. I eventually prayed, read my Bible and journaled regularly. I was doing pretty well.
The men's group I was in joined a bigger coed program for people with sexual and relational issues. I was a group leader the first year. The second year the main leader left and I took his spot, leading the our local branch of the program.
During this time Maria slowly got back to a more normal lifestyle. She still got counseling at times and still saw a psychiatrist. She came from a tough background. Her family was poor. Her dad was alcoholic. Her mother was Christian and raised the family pretty well, but had issues of her own. Maria eventually came to realize her dad sexually molested her when she was really small. Old, horrifying memories surfaced. She acknowledged a lot of her anger for me was really anger at her dad. She would still get mad at me, but at least knew it wasn't all me. We still didn't talk much.
Maria knew she too needed help. She went to the program I was involved in during the year I led it. We attended a seminar related to the program. We made some progress but were still distant.
The program died after the second year. The church that hosted us didn't want the program anymore. We lost most of our leaders. Most importantly, I had started looking at pictures of naked women on the internet again. I could no longer lead the program with a good conscience. I let the program die.
This time I told Maria about why I quit leading. I got back into counseling. I joined a different men's group. When I informed Maria, she said she really didn't want to know what I was doing. She didn't want to talk about it.
The men's group I was in joined a bigger coed program for people with sexual and relational issues. I was a group leader the first year. The second year the main leader left and I took his spot, leading the our local branch of the program.
During this time Maria slowly got back to a more normal lifestyle. She still got counseling at times and still saw a psychiatrist. She came from a tough background. Her family was poor. Her dad was alcoholic. Her mother was Christian and raised the family pretty well, but had issues of her own. Maria eventually came to realize her dad sexually molested her when she was really small. Old, horrifying memories surfaced. She acknowledged a lot of her anger for me was really anger at her dad. She would still get mad at me, but at least knew it wasn't all me. We still didn't talk much.
Maria knew she too needed help. She went to the program I was involved in during the year I led it. We attended a seminar related to the program. We made some progress but were still distant.
The program died after the second year. The church that hosted us didn't want the program anymore. We lost most of our leaders. Most importantly, I had started looking at pictures of naked women on the internet again. I could no longer lead the program with a good conscience. I let the program die.
This time I told Maria about why I quit leading. I got back into counseling. I joined a different men's group. When I informed Maria, she said she really didn't want to know what I was doing. She didn't want to talk about it.
Depression.
I ended my last post saying I thought we (Maria and I) were making progress. After a while I was not so sure. I thought I was learning and growing and getting better. Maria didn't seem to see it that way.
We still got in fights. Most of the time they consisted of long stretches of time where she yelled and me and I withdrew. Sometimes I got tired and frustrated and yelled back. The subject was always what I had done -- looked at pornography, hid it from her and wrecked our lives. She ignored that we had shared our sexual struggles before marriage. She ignored that we had already been in counseling because I had looked at another woman. She ignored the work I was doing to get better. Worst of all though, she just couldn't get over it. What could I do? How many times could I apologize? I knew I had screwed up, but I could not undo the past.
In her more lucid moments Maria realized she had issues too. She would apologize for yelling. She got counseling sometimes.
Two or three times in the next few years she ended up in a mental hospital. Our "arguments" usually escalated with her getting more and more shrill. Many times she mentioned she couldn't take it and wanted to die. Two or three times she really felt like killing herself. To her credit, she sought help instead of actually trying to kill herself. This is why she spent time in the hospital, usually about two weeks at a time. She obviously wasn't over-the-top insane -- I could easily see she was much better than others in the hospital. On the other hand, she also obviously wasn't dealing with life very well.
Her hospital stays led to ongoing psychiatric treatment. She visited a psychiatrist about once a month and was put on medication. It helped but, especially at first, was overdone. She became very sleepy and spent the better part of this time in bed. She gained weight, probably because of her inactivity. The yelling mostly stopped, but we hardly talked. I was glad the yelling stopped, but felt more distant than ever.
We still got in fights. Most of the time they consisted of long stretches of time where she yelled and me and I withdrew. Sometimes I got tired and frustrated and yelled back. The subject was always what I had done -- looked at pornography, hid it from her and wrecked our lives. She ignored that we had shared our sexual struggles before marriage. She ignored that we had already been in counseling because I had looked at another woman. She ignored the work I was doing to get better. Worst of all though, she just couldn't get over it. What could I do? How many times could I apologize? I knew I had screwed up, but I could not undo the past.
In her more lucid moments Maria realized she had issues too. She would apologize for yelling. She got counseling sometimes.
Two or three times in the next few years she ended up in a mental hospital. Our "arguments" usually escalated with her getting more and more shrill. Many times she mentioned she couldn't take it and wanted to die. Two or three times she really felt like killing herself. To her credit, she sought help instead of actually trying to kill herself. This is why she spent time in the hospital, usually about two weeks at a time. She obviously wasn't over-the-top insane -- I could easily see she was much better than others in the hospital. On the other hand, she also obviously wasn't dealing with life very well.
Her hospital stays led to ongoing psychiatric treatment. She visited a psychiatrist about once a month and was put on medication. It helped but, especially at first, was overdone. She became very sleepy and spent the better part of this time in bed. She gained weight, probably because of her inactivity. The yelling mostly stopped, but we hardly talked. I was glad the yelling stopped, but felt more distant than ever.
Monday, October 01, 2007
A New Life
Several things happened in the first year after Maria discovered me looking at internet porn.
I was able to go back to my previous job almost immediately. I felt God's mercy, love and timing. Just a month earlier my job wasn't available. It was a down time but the company had just lost a couple of people doing work I was familiar with. They needed someone to fill in the gap right as I needed work. With all our other stress, God spared us any financial stress.
Through counseling I became more comfortable with who I was and discussing my sexual issues. I became familiar with the idea of sexual addiction and treated myself as an addict. I joined a group of men who also struggled in this area. I was in counseling for several years and in a group of one sort or another for many more years.
After a few months of counseling and group I felt I had deceived people with the last newsletter we sent. I know we shouldn't just tell everyone about our sins. However, Maria sent letters to people interested in us serving as missionaries. When we stopped, we said it was due to finances and sent out a letter saying this. I saw that too often in Christianity (and elsewhere) we gloss over the truth. I felt that if I was more honest I could encourage others to be honest and deal with their problems. After all, a huge part of my problem was how isolated I was and how much I hid what I was doing.
We sent out another news letter telling people we had quit because I got involved in looking at pornography. For the most part we got positive feedback -- people complimented us on being honest and wanted the best for us. I did get some negative feedback from one person in my family. He was concerned I was just airing my dirty laundry in front of the whole world. The other negative feedback came from a close friend and staunch supporter of us. He was very disappointed. Like Maria, he had trouble dealing with what I'd done. (After a while, Maria and I had gone to see the movie "Titanic." I had debated it, and thought I could do OK. It was a big decision -- I purposely avoided looking at the naked Kate Winslet and felt being able to see the movie without getting off on it was a big victory. I told my friend about it, and all he could say was "Why would you see a movie like that?" Our friendship has suffered since then.)
We joined a new church shortly after everything happened. They were (and are, we're still in that church) a lot more accepting of us than any church we'd been in before. They believe very strongly in the Bible but think freely enough to question a lot of what Christians say. They see the need to treat our relationship with God as a relationship, not a set of rules. They treat people as people, not converts or prizes to be won or lost. Despite the leaders knowing about my problems, I was asked to teach at their school of theology. This was something I've always wanted to do. I thought I'd lost that opportunity. It's a small school and a volunteer position and I never have many students, but just knowing that they accepted me with my faults meant more to me than I can describe.
Later I even had some opportunities to preach at my church. I was able to be pretty honest about my struggles and that helped some. I got more comments about my sexual honesty than any of the wonderful points I was making. Hmmm ....
During that first year we went to a Christian camp that we went to every summer. The leaders of the camp do a lot of work with couples and relationships. They became involved with restoring fallen Christian leaders. I wasn't exactly a huge leader, but the principles were the same. On their advice we formed a committee of a few friends to help us recover from my failings.
The committee went well and was encouraging. I was already getting a lot of help and the committee mostly just monitored that. I think it helped Maria more than me -- it helped her accept that fact that I was making some progress. After some months it disbanded -- the members didn't feel like it was needed. I think all along a couple of them felt like we were making too big a deal out of the whole thing.
It felt like we were making progress. Life seemed to be going in the right direction.
I was able to go back to my previous job almost immediately. I felt God's mercy, love and timing. Just a month earlier my job wasn't available. It was a down time but the company had just lost a couple of people doing work I was familiar with. They needed someone to fill in the gap right as I needed work. With all our other stress, God spared us any financial stress.
Through counseling I became more comfortable with who I was and discussing my sexual issues. I became familiar with the idea of sexual addiction and treated myself as an addict. I joined a group of men who also struggled in this area. I was in counseling for several years and in a group of one sort or another for many more years.
After a few months of counseling and group I felt I had deceived people with the last newsletter we sent. I know we shouldn't just tell everyone about our sins. However, Maria sent letters to people interested in us serving as missionaries. When we stopped, we said it was due to finances and sent out a letter saying this. I saw that too often in Christianity (and elsewhere) we gloss over the truth. I felt that if I was more honest I could encourage others to be honest and deal with their problems. After all, a huge part of my problem was how isolated I was and how much I hid what I was doing.
We sent out another news letter telling people we had quit because I got involved in looking at pornography. For the most part we got positive feedback -- people complimented us on being honest and wanted the best for us. I did get some negative feedback from one person in my family. He was concerned I was just airing my dirty laundry in front of the whole world. The other negative feedback came from a close friend and staunch supporter of us. He was very disappointed. Like Maria, he had trouble dealing with what I'd done. (After a while, Maria and I had gone to see the movie "Titanic." I had debated it, and thought I could do OK. It was a big decision -- I purposely avoided looking at the naked Kate Winslet and felt being able to see the movie without getting off on it was a big victory. I told my friend about it, and all he could say was "Why would you see a movie like that?" Our friendship has suffered since then.)
We joined a new church shortly after everything happened. They were (and are, we're still in that church) a lot more accepting of us than any church we'd been in before. They believe very strongly in the Bible but think freely enough to question a lot of what Christians say. They see the need to treat our relationship with God as a relationship, not a set of rules. They treat people as people, not converts or prizes to be won or lost. Despite the leaders knowing about my problems, I was asked to teach at their school of theology. This was something I've always wanted to do. I thought I'd lost that opportunity. It's a small school and a volunteer position and I never have many students, but just knowing that they accepted me with my faults meant more to me than I can describe.
Later I even had some opportunities to preach at my church. I was able to be pretty honest about my struggles and that helped some. I got more comments about my sexual honesty than any of the wonderful points I was making. Hmmm ....
During that first year we went to a Christian camp that we went to every summer. The leaders of the camp do a lot of work with couples and relationships. They became involved with restoring fallen Christian leaders. I wasn't exactly a huge leader, but the principles were the same. On their advice we formed a committee of a few friends to help us recover from my failings.
The committee went well and was encouraging. I was already getting a lot of help and the committee mostly just monitored that. I think it helped Maria more than me -- it helped her accept that fact that I was making some progress. After some months it disbanded -- the members didn't feel like it was needed. I think all along a couple of them felt like we were making too big a deal out of the whole thing.
It felt like we were making progress. Life seemed to be going in the right direction.
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