Things I learned.

I apologize for the long delay since my last post. As I got nearer the present I found it hard to emotionally process everything. Also I've not had many opportunities to post lately.

It's time to go over some of the things I learned thoughout my struggles, groups and counseling.

I learned I was a Pharisee. I first realized this about 20 years ago when I was helping lead a small Bible study group studying the Gospel of Luke. I would read about Jesus. Jesus is the good guy. The Pharisees were the bad guys. I wanted to know more so I did some research on who the Pharisees were. It turns out they were the religious arm of the Maccabees. The Maccabees were national heroes in Israel. They had fought off the evil Greek empire almost 200 years before Jesus' ministry. The Maccabees were very comparable to how we in the United States view our revolutionary wars heroes. The Pharisees held to a strict view of the Bible. They believed it was the word of God. They were greatly admired and were very spiritual and religious. The light went on in my head. If they were alive today, I would identify with them. I hold a strict view of the Bible. I'm religious and hopefully spiritual.

I was surprised. They don't sound like bad guys! Why did Jesus fight them so much? Well, they started well. They had a great desire to protect the sanctity of God and his word. The Bible said to stay kosher. They decided they better avoid entering the house of a Gentile because there might be something un-kosher. The Bible said to rest and honor God on the Sabbath. They meticulously defined what it meant to rest. I believe they ended up with around 1600 extra rules to help obey God. They had gotten to the point where their rules were more important than God. They were also more important than people. Furthermore, they violated God's principles (for example, love God and love people) to keep their petty rules. They hid their own sin behind a bunch of spiritual sounding rules that only they were able to interpret. That's why Jesus was so upset with them.

When I realized this, I saw I had tendencies like the Pharisees. However, I did not realize how many extra rules I held to until much later. My attempts at mission work, my later therapy and groups, and my new church home helped me fully realize just how much I was like them. As I became more aware of my secret life and dealt with it more openly the comparisons became more obvious.

Over time I learned that I had several other ideas related to Phariseeism. I was a part of Christian groups that tended toward a certain exclusivity -- our way was the only way to God. We would interpret John 14:6 (Jesus says I am the Way, the Truth and the Life) as meaning the only way to God was to believe like we did. It's not really what Jesus says, but we tended toward thinking this way. I focused a lot on my own righteousness and how I compare with others. I was competitive about my righteousness. In this way I often saw others as worse than me.

I put this what I learn in the past tense because I've learned and grown past much of it. However, Even today I tend toward Phariseeism. My therapist would object when I'd call myself a Pharisee. "You were that way, you're not now," he'd say. He didn't want me being negative and labeling myself. He had a point. But it is also true that I have a very instinctive tendency to hide my true self and to judge others, to live by my rules, not God's principles.

Another thing I learned early on in therapy was that I have an anger problem. I was not completely unaware of it, but did not realize how much it hurt people, especially my family. My wife, Maria at one point told me that I scared her. I never thought of myself as scary. Once she said that I realize that I am big and I could start to see how I would be scary when I'm angry. I realized I have passive-aggressive tendencies. I don't like to cause trouble. So I would accept stuff that bothers me without saying anything. Eventually though, it would come out as me getting very angry. I often transferred anger. I wouldn't want to get angry at work (I could lose my job) so I'd keep the anger and then dump on Maria and my children.

Though therapy and my groups I learned how to deal with anger. I wrote a journal. The journal helped me understand what I was feeling and communicate my emotions. I learned how to know when I was angry. I practiced doing something about my anger when it happened. Once at work I got an upsetting email. I was very angry and upset. I walked outside and around the building to have time to think and to cool down. I wrote a reasonable answer -- I used my anger to give me energy to respond correctly. I did not just lash out right away. I also didn't suppress the anger. This was a big step for me.

Now when I get angry I try to express my anger. I try to not direct it at a person. I just say what makes me mad. I often say it in an angry voice (I am angry after all), but I try to not yell at anyone. After I've expressed my anger I can let it go and not suppress it. It has helped a lot, but I'm still learning. I also am trying to learn to just calm down and not let so many things bother me.

Another issue that I learned about was my weight and eating habits. I love sweets and was in the habit of eating a lot and of eating junk food. I am tall -- almost 6ft 2in (187cm) and I have a large frame. Still, I was above 250lbs (115kg), which is definitely overweight. Me being overweight wasn't really hurting anyone else, but it did affect my health. It also has bad long term effects. I started exercising more and watching what I eat. I'm now down to about 210lbs (96kg). I am still a bit overweight and I've gone up and down for several years, but I have obviously made progress. I've also exercised enough that I'm in reasonably good shape. I have the stamina and aerobic capacity to play a sport, run, bike or walk for an extended period of time.