Programs.

I was in counseling a few years and in various groups for many more. I never really got over my lustful thoughts or looking at women. I did a pretty good job of avoiding porn on the internet. At times I had stretches where I did really well. I eventually prayed, read my Bible and journaled regularly. I was doing pretty well.

The men's group I was in joined a bigger coed program for people with sexual and relational issues. I was a group leader the first year. The second year the main leader left and I took his spot, leading the our local branch of the program.

During this time Maria slowly got back to a more normal lifestyle. She still got counseling at times and still saw a psychiatrist. She came from a tough background. Her family was poor. Her dad was alcoholic. Her mother was Christian and raised the family pretty well, but had issues of her own. Maria eventually came to realize her dad sexually molested her when she was really small. Old, horrifying memories surfaced. She acknowledged a lot of her anger for me was really anger at her dad. She would still get mad at me, but at least knew it wasn't all me. We still didn't talk much.

Maria knew she too needed help. She went to the program I was involved in during the year I led it. We attended a seminar related to the program. We made some progress but were still distant.

The program died after the second year. The church that hosted us didn't want the program anymore. We lost most of our leaders. Most importantly, I had started looking at pictures of naked women on the internet again. I could no longer lead the program with a good conscience. I let the program die.

This time I told Maria about why I quit leading. I got back into counseling. I joined a different men's group. When I informed Maria, she said she really didn't want to know what I was doing. She didn't want to talk about it.