Depression.

I ended my last post saying I thought we (Maria and I) were making progress. After a while I was not so sure. I thought I was learning and growing and getting better. Maria didn't seem to see it that way.

We still got in fights. Most of the time they consisted of long stretches of time where she yelled and me and I withdrew. Sometimes I got tired and frustrated and yelled back. The subject was always what I had done -- looked at pornography, hid it from her and wrecked our lives. She ignored that we had shared our sexual struggles before marriage. She ignored that we had already been in counseling because I had looked at another woman. She ignored the work I was doing to get better. Worst of all though, she just couldn't get over it. What could I do? How many times could I apologize? I knew I had screwed up, but I could not undo the past.

In her more lucid moments Maria realized she had issues too. She would apologize for yelling. She got counseling sometimes.

Two or three times in the next few years she ended up in a mental hospital. Our "arguments" usually escalated with her getting more and more shrill. Many times she mentioned she couldn't take it and wanted to die. Two or three times she really felt like killing herself. To her credit, she sought help instead of actually trying to kill herself. This is why she spent time in the hospital, usually about two weeks at a time. She obviously wasn't over-the-top insane -- I could easily see she was much better than others in the hospital. On the other hand, she also obviously wasn't dealing with life very well.

Her hospital stays led to ongoing psychiatric treatment. She visited a psychiatrist about once a month and was put on medication. It helped but, especially at first, was overdone. She became very sleepy and spent the better part of this time in bed. She gained weight, probably because of her inactivity. The yelling mostly stopped, but we hardly talked. I was glad the yelling stopped, but felt more distant than ever.