Not Much to Say

I don't have much to say, but wanted to check in since I haven't posted for a while.

Things are going OK and I haven't felt the need to share so much. Getting my story down and looking at it really helped. Maria and I still have our issues but things are pretty good right now. I've been making some good changes and seen God doing stuff in my life. The PG thing I wrote about last time is still there, but Maria and I seem to be doing OK. Our last date went well -- we enjoyed each other and had a good time. Even though I still don't like the PG restriction it may yet lead to good things.

Today I found a another blog I like: Diary of a Nudist. I now link to it. I like his point of view, not to mention the pictures of naked people. I like looking at beautiful, naked women. I also respect people and think life would be better if we accepted our own and each other's bodies. I like looking even staring at women, but I also don't wish to insult them or violate their rights. I try to learn to appreciate without being perverted, to look people in the eye, smile and let them know they are appreciated. I feel that more openness about nudity would help reduce its sexualization and make things better for all.

With the holidays here I may not post until next year. If so, happy holidays. I wish you the best and hope you have an enjoyable end of the year.

PG

This is again a tough post for me. It's about a counseling session Maria and I had last week. I don't want to break confidence. I'm not used to sharing this stuff. But the point is to practice getting it out. I like to be honest. However, I am also very reserved about certain aspects of my personal life. I'm trying to change that for the better.

From the last paragraph you may be expecting some intimate sexual details. Sorry, I doubt there will be any. Today you need to get your thrills elsewhere.

I've been in my own little world for the past couple of weeks. I've been working on a website. I'm a computer geek. It's fun. I'm doing something productive and helpful too. I do it to relax instead of just vegging in front of the TV. It is in many ways good. The bad is that I tend to stay up late and avoid interacting with people. Worst of all I tend to shut Maria out of my life.

At our counseling session the counselor asked what I had done lately to build emotional intimacy with Maria. Frankly, not much. However, we do like to watch movies together. So I said I had taken time a couple of days ago to watch a movie with Maria. I had rented the grindhouse movies. We had watched one -- "Death Proof." I wasn't that interested to watch the other on my own and probably would have just skipped it. Instead of just going to the computer one night, I suggested we watch the other -- "Planet Terror."

Our counselor was taken aback at the choice of movies. He didn't think they were healthy for us. Then Maria said she was upset because the movies had so much sexual content. This hurts her because she was sexually abused as a child and I like to look at other women and porn, as I've written before.

I got defensive. Yes, it wasn't a great attempt at intimacy and I had been neglecting emotional intimacy. But it was an honest attempt and an honest answer. I felt jumped on. I do have trouble being emotionally intimate with Maria. One thing that really attracted me to Maria was that I was comfortable around her. We could talk. Now I feel like I walk on egg shells around her. If I say the slightest wrong thing, I get jumped on. When I'm honest I express my sexual struggles and views. I even get angry about stuff. My sexual issues upset Maria (to the point of screaming irrational anger). My anger scares her. It seems like what she really wants is a sanitized version of me.

In our session I didn't get outwardly angry, but I was frustrated. As I said, I was defensive. I also shut down some -- just nod my head and agree until the bad time goes away. The upshot was the counselor suggested Maria and I only watch "G" or "PG" movies. Maria chimed in to say that way I could prove to her I was doing better. By avoiding raunchy stuff, I'd show something, not quite sure what.

This seems ridiculous. Yes, I need to be sensitive to her and not cause her stress. We should avoid movies she doesn't like, especially if they trigger her bad stuff. But she has liked this kind of movie before. She's got them herself. (I like that she's into action type movies, not just chick flicks.) She even commented, when the counselor asked her about only watching G and PG that it sounded boring.

The problem is that restricting movie content drastically won't prove anything. For one thing, nothing I do seems good enough to get her over my previous bad. In fact, it's often tough for her to just stick with my bad. She often saddles me with her dad's shit. To her credit she knows she does this and is working to quit it. But it's still hard on me. As I've written before, I've been in counseling, been to groups, even led groups. I've had a time off the internet. I've tried to be honest with her. If all that doesn't mean squat, how is changing our movie habits going to prove anything.

Another problem is I learned long ago I can't live just by following a bunch of rules. They don't really solve anything. That mentality has been the cause of many of my problems. I'm trying to decide what is right and wrong in the sexual area. I obviously need to not offend and hurt Maria. But I also feel like she views any offense against her as an offense against God. Even the slightest sexual misstep on my part hurts her and makes me a vile sinner. I cannot live up to that standard. Making hyper restrictive and arbitrary rules won't help me nor her.

So what have we done since then? We go on a date once a week and our usual date involves a movie. Last week was different, so we avoided the issue. I should bring it up and clear the air. However, I am weak at this. Plus, when I've tried it before, it leads to bad stuff -- Maria screaming or just shutting me out. We'll see how our next date goes. I'm willing to try for her sake, but I don't see it working out. Maybe it's time we did something different than watch movies and TV so much.

Meanwhile now I'm really avoiding TV. This has driven me to my computer even more. Which hasn't helped our intimacy at all.

Good Sex.

I've talked a lot on this blog about what's wrong with me and my marriage. Last night was very good -- it's only right to share.

Last night was good sexually. I'm a bit shy and will struggle with what to say. Yes, I've talked about my and even Maria's sexual issues. I'm still not totally used to it. Furthermore, I rarely tell anyone about specifics of our sex life. So I feel like I'm diving into the deep end of a freezing lake. Here goes ...

I've talked about how our sex life has tapered off. Maria being angry with me has really made me scared and sexually withdrawn. Furthermore Maria takes medicine that can make her tired and not very involved. That's not much of a turn on. Physically we've grown older and Maria has gained some weight. I'm not always physically attracted to her. She has also had some injuries and medical issues that cause her to not always feel up to doing anything. I too have grown older and thus lost some testosterone -- I just don't get as charged up as I used to.

Altogether this has often made me much less than excited about having sex with her. When we do hook up my "performance" has not always been up to snuff. It's often much easier to masturbate than have unknown, scary, unattractive, one-sided sex.

In the last few months, with Maria in her current therapy and we in counseling as a couple, there has been a lot less anger. That helps. I try to pay more attention to her. In the last couple of weeks she's been physically better. We've been together sexually more often. We are enjoying being together, sexually or otherwise, more.

Yesterday I was pretty charged up sexually. I found a link to Camilla's Erotic Archives (thanks Sonia). Several things there turned me on, but the German Camera Girl really lit my fire. Fuel was added to my fire by riding the bus to work next to a cute young coed, by a coworker whose top allowed me to see most of her breast, and by exercising at the gym near a woman with a beautiful face and an awesome figure. My bus ride home also was good -- I got to sit next to and talk with a sexy friend who was wearing a very low cut top.

When Maria and I went to bed I really wanted to have sex with her and make her happy. She was also very into it. I performed better than I have in a long while. We enjoyed each other more than we have in quite a while. It was very satisfying. Afterwards, as we both lay down, Maria was lying on her side, naked, turned away from me. I saw her as very sexy and attractive. I drifted into a happy sleep.

Nothing to Hide

Ovelle Pharmaceuticals, a skincare company based in the Republic of Ireland produced this commercial.



Their sales have gone up 500% as a result. I'm encouraged that there wasn't any backlash.

Well, sort of. YouTube removed the commercial because it was inappropriate. (The only working link I found is on a Spanish video site.) This wasn't done in the U.S. and nothing like will be for a long time -- think of all the flak Janet Jackson's breast caused. Will we ever loosen up here in the States?

I like the commercial because it uses nudity in context. They really make their point. I admit, seeing so many beautiful naked people working together, especially the women, is a turn on for me. It gets my sexual fires burning. But the commercial is not overtly sexual. It is about naturalness and freedom. That too turns me on. I think our world would be better if we all felt this kind of freedom.

Look and See

I found a new website that has pictures I like: Looknsee Photography. I also have a new link to it in my sidebar.

I like that the photographer tells us what he does. I think the models are beautiful and the photos very well done. The photographer is a software engineer like I am and I relate to the way he thinks. He seems to be about my age.

I am envious. I like photography, but am not nearly as into as he is. I have fantasized about photographing people, especially nude women. In this sense, he is living one of my fantasies. He seems to be able to interact well with his models. I often stumble and bumble around beautiful women. I've never been in the presence of an attractive nude woman except for my wife.

On the other hand, I don't know the rest of his life. He interacts with a beautiful nude models. It's all very professional. For me it would be very sexual. It would be wrong to violate the professional boundary, but I would want more. If that type of interaction were all I had in life it would be frustrating. (I'm not saying the Looknsee photographer has only this, I don't know. I'm just talking to my own fantasy.) I have a loving wife and family. We have problems and we are growing older. In many ways though, it is much better than being around lots of beautiful women that I could talk to but not touch. I'll keep my life and thank God for it.

I don't need to be envious. However, I think Looknsee will provide a lot of fuel for my wet dreams.

My Current Situation

I've pretty well caught up to the present.

I believe I've grown a lot in being able to express my emotion in a healthy fashion, in controlling my anger, in seeing life and the Bible and God more honestly. I have better friendships. I do a better job of exercising and eating right.

Ironically I still look at women as much as ever. With better internet technology I look at pictures of women and read erotic material more than ever. I do believe I've grown in the way I look. I take much more care to look women in the eyes and respect them. However, I am still a shy nerdy type in many ways. I often stare when I shouldn't and get too shy to make the correct eye contact or say the right thing. I do not see this as nearly the problem (or sin) that many Christians do, nor as I once did.

I am much more focused on controlling myself around my wife, Maria. However, I am far from perfect an can still offend her by being interested in and distracted by a beautiful woman or a sexual scene. I also can offend her by getting angry when I shouldn't.

Maria has now been in steady counseling for many months, maybe over a year. I have not heard an outburst of anger from her in quite a while. We are also in counseling as a couple. It all has helped us. However, we still have a lot of distance between us. I still am scared of sharing with Maria how much I really like looking at other women. I'm scared of bringing up stuff. Maria has often been quiet for long periods only to eventually blow up into irrationality. I don't wish to set her off. We often seem bored with each other. Some of it is natural -- we know a lot about each other. Sometimes I feel like she's the last person I want to talk to. That's not so great.

Our sex life has tapered off. Before Maria got into her current counseling, she was yelling at me more and more. I like sex, but I felt stupid and wrong having sex when we were mad at each other so much. I really didn't want to have sex with someone who yelled at me and insulted me. My coldness seemed to affect her too. With the yelling down I feel better, but I find I often don't know where we stand and I don't want to push it.

Maria takes medicine to help with her emotional issues. This medicine often makes her tired at night and removes sexual desire, which also hurts our sex life. At times she is willing to let me have sex with her even though she's not aroused. I appreciate her kindness to me, but most of my fun is tied up in her having fun too. Sex is communication, after all. If I want self-gratification I can masturbate. I'm usually not very happy when we do the one-sided sex thing, and it tends to make me avoid sex unless I think she'll really be into it.

Thanks for letting me share my issues and my past. It has helped me. I plan to continue to posting. Obviously I still have issues as does my wife and our marriage. Writing about them helps me sort things out. Just since my recent spate of posts, I've become a lot more committed to working on our relationship. Despite our problems there is a lot of good in our lives.

Things I learned 2.

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Things I learned.

I apologize for the long delay since my last post. As I got nearer the present I found it hard to emotionally process everything. Also I've not had many opportunities to post lately.

It's time to go over some of the things I learned thoughout my struggles, groups and counseling.

I learned I was a Pharisee. I first realized this about 20 years ago when I was helping lead a small Bible study group studying the Gospel of Luke. I would read about Jesus. Jesus is the good guy. The Pharisees were the bad guys. I wanted to know more so I did some research on who the Pharisees were. It turns out they were the religious arm of the Maccabees. The Maccabees were national heroes in Israel. They had fought off the evil Greek empire almost 200 years before Jesus' ministry. The Maccabees were very comparable to how we in the United States view our revolutionary wars heroes. The Pharisees held to a strict view of the Bible. They believed it was the word of God. They were greatly admired and were very spiritual and religious. The light went on in my head. If they were alive today, I would identify with them. I hold a strict view of the Bible. I'm religious and hopefully spiritual.

I was surprised. They don't sound like bad guys! Why did Jesus fight them so much? Well, they started well. They had a great desire to protect the sanctity of God and his word. The Bible said to stay kosher. They decided they better avoid entering the house of a Gentile because there might be something un-kosher. The Bible said to rest and honor God on the Sabbath. They meticulously defined what it meant to rest. I believe they ended up with around 1600 extra rules to help obey God. They had gotten to the point where their rules were more important than God. They were also more important than people. Furthermore, they violated God's principles (for example, love God and love people) to keep their petty rules. They hid their own sin behind a bunch of spiritual sounding rules that only they were able to interpret. That's why Jesus was so upset with them.

When I realized this, I saw I had tendencies like the Pharisees. However, I did not realize how many extra rules I held to until much later. My attempts at mission work, my later therapy and groups, and my new church home helped me fully realize just how much I was like them. As I became more aware of my secret life and dealt with it more openly the comparisons became more obvious.

Over time I learned that I had several other ideas related to Phariseeism. I was a part of Christian groups that tended toward a certain exclusivity -- our way was the only way to God. We would interpret John 14:6 (Jesus says I am the Way, the Truth and the Life) as meaning the only way to God was to believe like we did. It's not really what Jesus says, but we tended toward thinking this way. I focused a lot on my own righteousness and how I compare with others. I was competitive about my righteousness. In this way I often saw others as worse than me.

I put this what I learn in the past tense because I've learned and grown past much of it. However, Even today I tend toward Phariseeism. My therapist would object when I'd call myself a Pharisee. "You were that way, you're not now," he'd say. He didn't want me being negative and labeling myself. He had a point. But it is also true that I have a very instinctive tendency to hide my true self and to judge others, to live by my rules, not God's principles.

Another thing I learned early on in therapy was that I have an anger problem. I was not completely unaware of it, but did not realize how much it hurt people, especially my family. My wife, Maria at one point told me that I scared her. I never thought of myself as scary. Once she said that I realize that I am big and I could start to see how I would be scary when I'm angry. I realized I have passive-aggressive tendencies. I don't like to cause trouble. So I would accept stuff that bothers me without saying anything. Eventually though, it would come out as me getting very angry. I often transferred anger. I wouldn't want to get angry at work (I could lose my job) so I'd keep the anger and then dump on Maria and my children.

Though therapy and my groups I learned how to deal with anger. I wrote a journal. The journal helped me understand what I was feeling and communicate my emotions. I learned how to know when I was angry. I practiced doing something about my anger when it happened. Once at work I got an upsetting email. I was very angry and upset. I walked outside and around the building to have time to think and to cool down. I wrote a reasonable answer -- I used my anger to give me energy to respond correctly. I did not just lash out right away. I also didn't suppress the anger. This was a big step for me.

Now when I get angry I try to express my anger. I try to not direct it at a person. I just say what makes me mad. I often say it in an angry voice (I am angry after all), but I try to not yell at anyone. After I've expressed my anger I can let it go and not suppress it. It has helped a lot, but I'm still learning. I also am trying to learn to just calm down and not let so many things bother me.

Another issue that I learned about was my weight and eating habits. I love sweets and was in the habit of eating a lot and of eating junk food. I am tall -- almost 6ft 2in (187cm) and I have a large frame. Still, I was above 250lbs (115kg), which is definitely overweight. Me being overweight wasn't really hurting anyone else, but it did affect my health. It also has bad long term effects. I started exercising more and watching what I eat. I'm now down to about 210lbs (96kg). I am still a bit overweight and I've gone up and down for several years, but I have obviously made progress. I've also exercised enough that I'm in reasonably good shape. I have the stamina and aerobic capacity to play a sport, run, bike or walk for an extended period of time.

Programs.

I was in counseling a few years and in various groups for many more. I never really got over my lustful thoughts or looking at women. I did a pretty good job of avoiding porn on the internet. At times I had stretches where I did really well. I eventually prayed, read my Bible and journaled regularly. I was doing pretty well.

The men's group I was in joined a bigger coed program for people with sexual and relational issues. I was a group leader the first year. The second year the main leader left and I took his spot, leading the our local branch of the program.

During this time Maria slowly got back to a more normal lifestyle. She still got counseling at times and still saw a psychiatrist. She came from a tough background. Her family was poor. Her dad was alcoholic. Her mother was Christian and raised the family pretty well, but had issues of her own. Maria eventually came to realize her dad sexually molested her when she was really small. Old, horrifying memories surfaced. She acknowledged a lot of her anger for me was really anger at her dad. She would still get mad at me, but at least knew it wasn't all me. We still didn't talk much.

Maria knew she too needed help. She went to the program I was involved in during the year I led it. We attended a seminar related to the program. We made some progress but were still distant.

The program died after the second year. The church that hosted us didn't want the program anymore. We lost most of our leaders. Most importantly, I had started looking at pictures of naked women on the internet again. I could no longer lead the program with a good conscience. I let the program die.

This time I told Maria about why I quit leading. I got back into counseling. I joined a different men's group. When I informed Maria, she said she really didn't want to know what I was doing. She didn't want to talk about it.

Depression.

I ended my last post saying I thought we (Maria and I) were making progress. After a while I was not so sure. I thought I was learning and growing and getting better. Maria didn't seem to see it that way.

We still got in fights. Most of the time they consisted of long stretches of time where she yelled and me and I withdrew. Sometimes I got tired and frustrated and yelled back. The subject was always what I had done -- looked at pornography, hid it from her and wrecked our lives. She ignored that we had shared our sexual struggles before marriage. She ignored that we had already been in counseling because I had looked at another woman. She ignored the work I was doing to get better. Worst of all though, she just couldn't get over it. What could I do? How many times could I apologize? I knew I had screwed up, but I could not undo the past.

In her more lucid moments Maria realized she had issues too. She would apologize for yelling. She got counseling sometimes.

Two or three times in the next few years she ended up in a mental hospital. Our "arguments" usually escalated with her getting more and more shrill. Many times she mentioned she couldn't take it and wanted to die. Two or three times she really felt like killing herself. To her credit, she sought help instead of actually trying to kill herself. This is why she spent time in the hospital, usually about two weeks at a time. She obviously wasn't over-the-top insane -- I could easily see she was much better than others in the hospital. On the other hand, she also obviously wasn't dealing with life very well.

Her hospital stays led to ongoing psychiatric treatment. She visited a psychiatrist about once a month and was put on medication. It helped but, especially at first, was overdone. She became very sleepy and spent the better part of this time in bed. She gained weight, probably because of her inactivity. The yelling mostly stopped, but we hardly talked. I was glad the yelling stopped, but felt more distant than ever.

A New Life

Several things happened in the first year after Maria discovered me looking at internet porn.

I was able to go back to my previous job almost immediately. I felt God's mercy, love and timing. Just a month earlier my job wasn't available. It was a down time but the company had just lost a couple of people doing work I was familiar with. They needed someone to fill in the gap right as I needed work. With all our other stress, God spared us any financial stress.

Through counseling I became more comfortable with who I was and discussing my sexual issues. I became familiar with the idea of sexual addiction and treated myself as an addict. I joined a group of men who also struggled in this area. I was in counseling for several years and in a group of one sort or another for many more years.

After a few months of counseling and group I felt I had deceived people with the last newsletter we sent. I know we shouldn't just tell everyone about our sins. However, Maria sent letters to people interested in us serving as missionaries. When we stopped, we said it was due to finances and sent out a letter saying this. I saw that too often in Christianity (and elsewhere) we gloss over the truth. I felt that if I was more honest I could encourage others to be honest and deal with their problems. After all, a huge part of my problem was how isolated I was and how much I hid what I was doing.

We sent out another news letter telling people we had quit because I got involved in looking at pornography. For the most part we got positive feedback -- people complimented us on being honest and wanted the best for us. I did get some negative feedback from one person in my family. He was concerned I was just airing my dirty laundry in front of the whole world. The other negative feedback came from a close friend and staunch supporter of us. He was very disappointed. Like Maria, he had trouble dealing with what I'd done. (After a while, Maria and I had gone to see the movie "Titanic." I had debated it, and thought I could do OK. It was a big decision -- I purposely avoided looking at the naked Kate Winslet and felt being able to see the movie without getting off on it was a big victory. I told my friend about it, and all he could say was "Why would you see a movie like that?" Our friendship has suffered since then.)

We joined a new church shortly after everything happened. They were (and are, we're still in that church) a lot more accepting of us than any church we'd been in before. They believe very strongly in the Bible but think freely enough to question a lot of what Christians say. They see the need to treat our relationship with God as a relationship, not a set of rules. They treat people as people, not converts or prizes to be won or lost. Despite the leaders knowing about my problems, I was asked to teach at their school of theology. This was something I've always wanted to do. I thought I'd lost that opportunity. It's a small school and a volunteer position and I never have many students, but just knowing that they accepted me with my faults meant more to me than I can describe.

Later I even had some opportunities to preach at my church. I was able to be pretty honest about my struggles and that helped some. I got more comments about my sexual honesty than any of the wonderful points I was making. Hmmm ....

During that first year we went to a Christian camp that we went to every summer. The leaders of the camp do a lot of work with couples and relationships. They became involved with restoring fallen Christian leaders. I wasn't exactly a huge leader, but the principles were the same. On their advice we formed a committee of a few friends to help us recover from my failings.

The committee went well and was encouraging. I was already getting a lot of help and the committee mostly just monitored that. I think it helped Maria more than me -- it helped her accept that fact that I was making some progress. After some months it disbanded -- the members didn't feel like it was needed. I think all along a couple of them felt like we were making too big a deal out of the whole thing.

It felt like we were making progress. Life seemed to be going in the right direction.

A Turning Point.

I realize I've left stuff out. I also struggle with what level of detail to include, and what should be private. The more open I am the better this will be. I'll keep going I don't want to get distracted.

Life was tough for me after Maria discovered me looking at internet porn. Maria felt awful. That made my life miserable. She shared with friends. I felt like she was punishing me and turning friends against me. Of course all she was doing was trying to share and get help. I felt like I was going to loose all my friends, especially my female friends.

Despite her hurt and anger, Maria did something very good. She drew boundaries. She somehow managed to not make them sound threatening to me.

1. No more porn in our home.
2. No more internet.
3. I had to get counseling.

I was OK with the first two. Counseling scared me and I didn't think it would help. I didn't like sharing my emotions. Our last counselor had not helped me much. I procrastinated on finding a counselor.

Then a very good thing happened. The wife of a couple we'd known for years talked with me. She told me they still loved me. She gave me the name of a counselor. She hugged me.

I felt immensely better. At least one friend, a woman at that, accepted me while knowing my sins. Not only that, she helped me on my way to counseling.

I met with the counselor and was more nervous than ever. He did two things that immediately helped me. First, he acknowledged how awful some of the things in my past were. Second, he said that my current behavior was linked to stuff in my past.

These may sound simple and common, but they really helped me. I hid the dark side of my past. Not many people ever heard me share. Of those, no one linked it to my current struggles (of course, no one knew the extent of my struggles). I came from a Christian background that looked down on psychology. The Bible had all the answers. Psychology was only a human tool, or worse, a tool of the Devil. People who linked their past to their current behavior were just copping out and blaming others for their own sin.

My counselor didn't do that. He still held me responsible for my actions. It's just that he knew there was a link to my past.

Another thing happened that I didn't realize right away. As a Christian I learned that sin was abhorrent. If I sinned it was because I didn't love God enough, or didn't have enough faith, or was listening to Satan and the World. I needed to pray and read my Bible more. I needed to love God more and try harder. We didn't share our sins because then our fellow Christians would look down on us. It might even show that we were not really Christian.

What happened in my counseling is that sin became something other than a plague to be avoided. It became a problem to be worked on. It didn't just exist or not exist. It was a weakness that could be strengthened. If I can't lift a weight, I don't give up and hide in shame. I keep lifting smaller weights until I get stronger. God isn't scared of my sin or surprised when I fail. He made me and loves me. He wants me to work on stuff and grow.

Another thing happened around that time. I felt better. Why? My darkest secret had been discovered. A weight was off my shoulders. And now I had hope for getting better. I had not actually gotten much better. But I had started the process and their was hope in that.

It was kind of weird. I felt the best I had in quite a while. Maria felt awful, was mad at me and still yelled at me a lot. I felt out of sync with her.

Married Life

A big reason I'm writing these blogs is to help sort things out. My interactions with Eve and her insightful comments have already helped a lot. Thanks Eve. Nevertheless I will press on. I need to finish this.

While Maria and I were dating and engaged, I began going to seminary part time. I felt led by God. I wanted to learn about the Bible and what God had to say. I didn't feel called to be a pastor, which is normally why people go to seminary. I did hope to teach people about the bible. Maria agreed with me on this.

After we were married I went to school full time and worked part time. (I had a very understanding boss because he allowed me to work part time at what would normally be a full-time career job.) In a little over two years I had completed most of school.

During the same time we had two children. We wanted children and God blessed us. We were very busy. Maria attended my classes with me sometimes, but stayed home with the children when they were born.

We didn't talk that much or spend too much time together. Maria's Hispanic culture taught her that men were more important than women. She didn't want to disturb my important studying and working. I grew up in a family that didn't talk much, so I thought it was fine and normal. I was even warned at school to pay attention to my family, especially my wife. There was no point in getting a good biblical education and ignoring the God's desire for us to treat our family well and love those around us. I didn't listen very well.

One day Maria caught me staring at a woman. She was devastated and very upset. We had about a year of very uneasy time together. We either didn't talk, or I got yelled at a lot. I did some yelling too, but mostly tried to avoid the conflict.

We went to a Christian counselor. Most of our sessions focused on fixing my problem with looking at women. I was always very nervous. I didn't like talking about my sins. I didn't like talking about feelings. I also was afraid even more bad stuff would come out. The counselor was a very nice older man with some good advice. However, most of it boiled down to "Read your bible and pray more and try harder." That didn't help me get over liking to look at women. Maria eventually didn't want to go anymore and I stopped going too.

I dropped out of school. I had learned most of what I wanted. We were low on money and I needed to work full time. Plus the incongruity of me going to seminary and having a lust problem were too much for us.

Things between Maria and I finally got a little more normal and we had another child. I did a better job of hiding my desire to look at women.

For a while I traveled a lot on business. I would stay up watching movies in my hotel rooms. The movies often contained sex and nudity. Sometimes I even got X-rated fare. I was always too cheap to pay for any, but sometimes it was free on cable. I had no problem with internet porn because this was before the Internet.

After many years we found out about a missionary organization that translated Bibles and helped people learn to read and write. This interested us and we tried joined them. I quit my job and we went to school. My sexual problems seemed to fade into the background. We learned a lot and grew a lot.

However, one of the things we had to do was raise our own support money. I hated it. I hated calling people and asking for money. I felt a lot of pressure to do stuff I was terrible at. Consequently we were having lots of trouble getting enough support to go overseas. I went back to work to support us while we kept trying to raise funds.

At work I passed by an office and saw some coworkers looking at a picture of a naked woman. This prompted me to search our work network for the pictures. I found them and looked at them often.

About this time the internet was developing. I got access at home. I started looking for porn. I got in the habit of staying home from church some nights to look at porn. This allowed me to be home alone so I wouldn't be disturbed. I also stayed up late sometimes.

We still weren't raising money very well. I decided to quit work and trust God for the money we needed and work full-time to raise support. We went on like this for many months and God did take care of us in many ways. However, the pressure on me helped make my sexual problem s worse.

One night I was up late waiting for a porn site to load. This was the bad old dial-up days -- pictures usually took several minutes to load. The screen finally appeared. So did Maria! I quickly turned off the monitor. She asked me what I was doing. I turned back on the screen and kind of bumblingly told her. She was incensed.

I was forced to admit my porn problem to our mission organization and quit. We wrote a regular newsletter to people interested in what we were doing. We wrote a final letter saying we stopped because we couldn't raise enough money.

Maria and my relationship was worse than ever. She said God had audibly told her to get up that night and check out what I was doing. She couldn't believe I'd betray her like that. There was again lots of yelling.

After College

Shortly after I graduated from college I went to a Christian conference. On the final night the speaker was Billy Graham. All week I knew he would challenge us to more fully commit to God. I knew I was not committed enough. After he spoke I stayed up several hours thinking and praying. I knew I either needed to choose God or walk away, not just sit on the fence. Finally I chose to follow God.

The Christian organization I was in had an alumnus, Duke, who worked on campus. He hung around a lot and provided friendship and counseling to young men in the organization. He had asked me to get together, but I had rebuffed him. I was afraid he'd find out about my sins, especially masturbating. After the conference the main thing I did was start visiting with Duke.

He did find out about my masturbation habit and tried to help me get over it. I had to report to him, which at least slowed me down. When that didn't work he devised stronger punishments. He made me masturbate in front of him. He pretended to take photos and generally embarrass me. Once he flicked my penis as I was about to come -- the pain stopping my orgasm. Once he had me hook myself up to some strings so that I was forced to keep my hands outstreched or have the strings yank on my scrotum.

His ideas had some success but didn't completely stop me from masturbating.

I met my future wife, Maria, at college. She was in the same Christian group. We did not date for a long time. After we both left school we were in the same church. She felt I needed a friend and suggested we jog together. I suspected and eventually knew she liked me. While we jogged I would argue in my head with God that she wasn't the one for me. I was much more physically attracted to other women. I also knew I had sexual problems and couldn't really trust my hormones and feelings. Eventually I saw that I could be comfortable around Maria unlike with most women. I decided it was right for us to date.

We dated for a few months then got engaged. We became more and more physical but never had intercourse. Neither of us knew much about oral sex. What we did know we thought was wrong and scared us so we never had oral sex either. We did kiss some and pet a lot. Sometimes Maria was topless when we hugged. One holiday when her roomates were gone we spent the night together in each others' arms -- she was topless. A few times she played with my penis and brought me to orgasm once or twice. As our marriage approached I think we were naked together sometimes. I felt guilty about a lot of this behavior, feeling like we were going too far and I was mostly the one pushing us too far.

During our engagement we both shared how we struggled with masturbation. We came up with a plan to help each other (it was probably more my plan than hers, but I don't really remember). Whoever masturbated first would have to lower their pants and the other would spank them three times. I was very competitive and viewed this as a competition. I didn't want to lose and only failed once. Maria failed a few times.

After what seemed like a long time, but really wasn't we got married.

Child, part 2

I feel wrong doing this, even though nothing is wrong. I probably also feel scared sharing, even though I've shared most of my history before. I guess I've had a good dose of guilt, both real and imagined.

There are some things about my childhood and youth sexual history that I left out. Here they are.

Around my ninth birthday my family went to a convention related to my mom's profession. It was fun. We got to stay at a hotel and do fun stuff. We didn't usually do something like that. While there my dad bought a Playboy magazine. He let me "read" it too. After we got home, I would ask and he'd let me look through it. I remember my sister asking what was so fascinating, was it about cars or something. I think she might have eventually figured it out. I remember really liking it and being enamored with women's bare butts and breasts -- no full nudity back then. I felt a special bond with my dad. He rarely did stuff with me, so this felt very special. Some years later, when I was a teenager a friend had some Playboy magazines. I remember feeling too shy and scared to read them with him. By then my Christianity had settled in.

Many times as a teenager I went outside naked. I did it when no one was around, usually in my backyard at night or very early morning. As I got older I had less chance, but still did it sometimes.

I had a best friend since third grade. He's the one who invited me to church when I became a Christian. I hung around him and his family a lot and stayed over at his house many time. Even though we were best friends we never talked about sexual stuff. Too shy and too conservative. One night his mom came down to tell us to be quiet. She was wearing only a slip which caught my interest. When I was there I slept in my friend's bed. Once I jerked off while sleeping in his bed with him, but it was not homo erotic. I just hoped he didn't notice. Another time I was sleeping in their tree house with him and some of his brothers and jerked off. Again hoping no one noticed.

In high school, as I said, I had almost no dates. When I did have a girlfriend she was only allowed to go to church stuff. (She couldn't wait to turn 18 and get out of the house away from her strict Dad.) We found ways to make out though. Once we went to Disneyland with another couple. We switched -- I have no idea why. When we went on a ride that got dark -- say the train tunnel -- we made out with our switched partner. My only other make out session was at a church function at someone's home. No parents, the evening was late. We all paired up and tried some stuff -- not much more than kissing. I remember we all felt bad at the end. I apologized to the girl I was with and we both agreed we meant nothing serious by it. That was as close as I got to sex until I got together with the woman who is now my wife.

I liked a girl for a long time in high school and on into my college years. She went to my church for a while. She was Japanese and her family eventually moved to a Japanese church. I almost asked her out once. I had just been taught to ask the dad first for permission. I called and asked for him, but he wasn't home. I never got up the nerve to call again. I went by their house a lot hoping to see her. I ran into her a couple of times. Once at a conference we had lunch together. Once at a party I sat next to year and put my arm around her. I never knew how to do much else. I was scared of the phone. I didn't know how to make conversation. I didn't have a job (too shy to go looking) and so not much money for a date. Another time her church had a concert (Christian rock, just beginning at the time) and we worked together to have a group from my church go and a party afterwards at her house. I think she liked me too. I was just too shy and stupid to proceed. I still think about her sometimes.

I went to a junior college for three years. Then went to a university for two more. They are two different situations. My first three years I was at home. I fell away from God and church my first year but eventually got involved in my church's very good college group. It was through this group that I was in a men's bible study where I actually had the courage to share my struggles with masturbation. It didn't get ridiculed, it went OK. I hoped I could get prayers and help with my problem (as I perceived it). But we were all too shy to keep sharing and it never really came up much again. It was also around this time I went on a camping trip with four others. One was a girl I liked. We all slept with our sleeping bags next to each other. I got to be next to the girl I liked. I jerked off in the middle of the night. It was the only time I "slept" with a women before I met my wife.

When I went to university I was part of a very good Christian group. I actually went on some dates. We had three date events each year (one each quarter). I got up the nerve to ask someone to each one. They were all pretty pristine -- no real sexual contact. My second year I actually went on several dates besides our group's date nights. I guess I was learning. One date was with a girl I just wanted to be nice too -- I wasn't really physically attracted to her. Afterwards we sat in her dorm room, watched TV and periodically tickled each other. I tried to get her to tickle me well below my stomach. I felt guilty about this. At the end of the year, when I was graduating and didn't figure to see her anymore, I apologized for my behavior and explained I didn't really want her as a girlfriend.

My Christian group reinforced my aversion to drinking and dancing. A girl asked me to her sorority dance. I went but didn't tell her I didn't dance until we got there. Another friend was there and danced with her some. Looking back I feel like a clod.

There you have it -- my sex life through college. Pretty wild, huh? I wouldn't hold my breath for the movie.

I Started Out as a Child

I don't know where to begin. I'm going to share some history. Hopefully it will make my present more understandable.

I was not raised Christian. A friend invited me to church a little before 7th grade (I was 12). There I heard that people didn't get into heaven by being good. The got in by believing in Jesus. That made sense to me then and still does. So I believed. I had already been thinking thoughts about how big the universe is and whether God exists. I knew if I needed to be good I was screwed (I wouldn't have used that language then, but it's how I felt).

When I came into puberty I discovered masturbation. I viewed it as wrong, an opinion shared by my church as far as I knew. I never talked about it -- I was too shy and scared and people didn't talk about stuff like that in public, let alone church. All I heard in church was that sex was evil outside of marriage. I don't think masturbation is necessarily wrong anymore, but I held that view through high school and college and into adulthood. Even though I viewed it as wrong I couldn't stop -- it was a regular habit.

I had a keen interest in girls but was very shy. I didn't talk to any girls until I was a sophomore in High School. I never dated. I missed my prom. A girl asked me, but I thought dancing was wrong (a church belief) and also thought it was wrong to go out with a non-Christian. As a senior I had a girlfriend briefly, but I was just a temporary boyfriend for her while her real boyfriend and her had a break up.

My Mom actually starting coming to church for a while, as did my sister, and even one of my brothers for a bit. However, I was the one who really stuck it out.

As a young high schooler we found out my Dad was having an affair. My mom told me while we were grocery shopping. My mom called her a prostitute, but didn't seem really angry. In fact, the woman became a family friend and I even babysat her son sometimes. Eventually my Mom and Dad started having an open marriage. They became part of a group called Synergy. It was a swinging group. They had some parties (orgies?) at our house. I sometimes heard them having sex themselves or with others.

My mom asked me not to tell anyone at church. It's pretty funny now. There was no way I'd embarrass myself (or her) like that. It wasn't so funny then. I just felt terribly conflicted. I felt me and my family were totally screwing up. I felt like a hypocrite.

During this time I would see my Mom naked. This wasn't new. However, it disturbed me. I was way too shy. Once I reached puberty it felt weird. I don't remember being sexually aroused, but I might have suppressed it.

I saw one other woman naked. I was up early one morning and she walked down the hallway. That was it. I was interested, but didn't want to look. I was conflicted.

I remember my Mom becoming more physically affectionate. We didn't really hug or anything in our family. I only learned hugging through my friends at church. Now my mom started hugging me. I was freaked. Was she just trying to make up for a deficiency in our family. Or was her swinging life making her want me sexually?

My mom and dad also would go to a nudist recreation place. My mom invited me. I wanted to go but believed it was wrong. Again, I was very conflicted.

So I leave off for now. At this point I was a shy, sexually repressed and confused teenage boy. I believed a lot of things were wrong. I felt guilty for my sexual thoughts and masturbation. I felt like a loser who could not attract girls. My parents were freaking me out.

Some Sharing

I started this blog promising to share. I haven't. I've hardly posted.

The problem is really the same as the reason for the blog. I'm a Christian. I believe in the Bible. I believe Jesus died for my sins and rose on the third day. However, a lot of what I see Christians seeing and doing is not consistent with the Bible or with what Jesus says.

A big thing we Christians do is make too many rules. In my heart I violate a lot of the rules, especially the sexual ones. Sometimes I'm really violating what the Bible says and doing wrong. Other times I'm just violating man made rules. I may feel guilty or ashamed, but I didn't really do anything wrong. I often cannot tell the difference.

Sometimes even though what I'm doing is not explicitly wrong it may hurt those close to me. I am married, so I most worry about hurting my wife.

So this blog is a secret from my friends and especially my wife. I want to air out my thoughts and problems without hurting her or any of the rest of my friends.

There is the dilemma. I don't want to write at home and be caught. So I must chose my times to post carefully. I have thought of writing sometimes, but felt more like devoting my energies to the real world. Now I'm starting again. I feel like I need to write to sort things out. Hopefully this start will go better.

I have a lot more to say, but will stop here. I don't want to begin with a tome.

Sunset Gun

My second blog this today. Way above average.

You may have noticed I linked to Kim Morgan's website, Sunset Gun. I saw her on this week's Ebert and Roeper. She is sexy and articulate. Then I checked out her website (given at the end of the show) and found I liked her style and taste. I like her take on train movies, Baby Doll and Black Snake Moan. Now if I could just get her to see me as Jerry Lee Lewis or Gene Hackman.

Marisa Miller's Ipod

Is nudity more acceptable now? Or is this just exploitation and crass commercialism? I hope it's the former.

BTW, I wonder if Marisa will let me borrow her ipod :-)